The Attraction of Imperfection

 

We all know people who seem to be good at everything. Sports, music, math—they seem to have the ability and aptitude to do it all. But before we make assumptions about how far their accomplishments can carry them, or how great their lives must be, consider how other people respond to them. There is a big difference between admiration and affection; between awe and acceptance. And there is nothing that assures us that someone’s talent makes them trustworthy. In fact, when it comes to interpersonal attraction, research indicates we might be more inclined to accept the imperfect.

The Attractiveness of Imperfection

Jia Wei Zhang et al. (2020) found that the way we accept others stems from the way we accept ourselves. Studying the link between self-compassion and acceptance, they found that an increasing acceptance of one’s own imperfections increases the acceptance of the imperfections of others, including romantic partners.[i] 

Beyond acceptance, some people are actually drawn to others who are less than perfect. There is an element of relatability that we feel toward others who, like us, leave something to be desired in one or more categories. Physical or financial, graceful or gracious—no one is perfect. Someone might have two left feet on the dance floor, but always be willing to lend a helping hand. They might not have a silver tongue, but discerning taste. Good talkers are not always great listeners. Many people compensate for deficiencies by capitalizing on other traits that are encouraging and endearing. 

When Talent Takes a Tumble

There is mixed opinion on the significance of social gaffes and blunders, sometimes referred to as the Pratfall Effect. Elliott Aronson et al. (1966) conducted research decades ago[ii] that demonstrated how the attractiveness of a “superior person” is increased by a clumsy blunder, while the same blunder tends to reduce the attractiveness of a person who is only deemed “mediocre.” They predicted these results by speculating that superior people may be viewed as superhuman and thus humanized by a blunder, which increases perceived attractiveness.

Almost 40 years later, Jeanne Weaver et al. (2002) sought to explore the reliability of the Pratfall Effect[iii] through an experiment investigating the impact of competence, gender, and a pratfall on interpersonal attractiveness, i.e. likability. Using a format in which participants listened to audiotaped conversations, they found that competent persons were perceived as more likable, and women more likable than men, but found no evidence of a pratfall effect—which they note that, in combination with a critical review of previous literature, generates significant questions about generality and robustness of the phenomenon.

Emotion and Imperfection

Some research indicates a potential relationship between emotion and imperfection. Anca M. Miron et al. (2009) studied the impact of partner flaws and qualities on romantic relationships.[iv] Consistent with Emotional Intensity Theory, they found, among other things, that positive affect toward a romantic partner was decreased by a minor significant flaw; maintained as intense by a flaw that was moderately important; and decreased by a very important flaw. 

One thing we can learn from the research is that imperfection is not necessarily a turnoff; it can actually be something that attracts us through recognizing shared humanity. Tempering impressions through emotion both about ourselves and others will help us make educated, discerning decisions interpersonally about when and under what circumstances to embrace partner imperfection.

References

[i] Zhang, Jia Wei, Serena Chen, and Teodora K. Tomova Shakur. 2020. “From Me to You: Self-Compassion Predicts Acceptance of Own and Others’ Imperfections.” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 46 (2): 228–42. doi:10.1177/0146167219853846.

[ii] Aronson, Elliot, Ben Willerman, and Joanne Floyd. 1966. “The Effect of a Pratfall on Increasing Interpersonal Attractiveness.” Psychonomic Science 4 (6): 227–28. doi:10.3758/BF03342263.

[iii] Weaver, Jeanne, Randy Fisher, and Karen Ehney. 2002. “In Search of the ‘Pratfall Effect’: How General and Reliable Is This Phenomenon?” Representative Research in Social Psychology 26: 34–43. https://search-ebscohost-com.libproxy.sdsu.edu/login.aspx?direct=true&d….

[iv] Miron, Anca M., David Knepfel, and Sarah K. Parkinson. 2009. “The Surprising Effect of Partner Flaws and Qualities on Romantic Affect.” Motivation and Emotion 33 (3): 261–76. doi:10.1007/s11031-009-9138-0.

Coping with Anger: Does Venting Really Help?

 anger is generally a secondary emotion underneath which we protect more vulnerable feelings, such as sadness, hurt, fear, or jealousy. In my story, my conscious mind worked in reverse of my unconscious reaction; I was aware of experiencing physical pain and was able to piece together what must have happened only after I felt enraged at the stranger. My anger, despite being a secondary reaction, was powerful enough to obscure my primary feelings as well as the likely facts of the situation at hand (e.g., that I had been burned by a cigarette, that the smoker was drunk, and that the harm was accidental and would not continue). 

A second, related truth about anger is that it has evolved to help us stay safe. It's an activating "fight" response that is meant to ward off threats to ourselves or to others we are trying to protect. In the modern world, we experience anger not only when confronted with actual threats or harm, but also when we encounter perceived or imagined threats. Our interpretation of situations is a highly important determinant of emotional reactions in general, and this may be especially true for a powerful and activating emotion like anger.

From an evolutionary standpoint, negative interpretations of others' intentions were likely adaptive in many survival situations. If an early human saw someone else approaching with a large stick, the interpretation that harm was intended could be life-saving. We may be hardwired to have a tendency to attribute negative intent to others' actions when lacking complete information. For some people, negative interpretations and resulting anger is a daily experience that can destabilize personal connections and be intensely psychologically draining.

How Can We Cope with Anger?

These cognitive-behavioral tips for coping with anger may help:

1. Be careful about venting.

Research shows that unless venting is paired with a new interpretation of the angering event, it can be a way to actually rehearse anger, and thus make it more present and powerful (Murray, 1995). In the example of my having been burned by a cigarette, I could have interpreted the injury as having been intentionally inflicted. Venting to my friend might have felt validating and supportive, but it only would have decreased my anger had she been able to help me see that the burn was accidental.

A literature review of the expression of more general negative emotions including anger, grief, and reactions to trauma suggested something similar. It appears that emotional expression is only adaptive if it offers some resolution regarding the source and significance of the distress. This resolution may be greater self-understanding or self-acceptance regarding our own actions and reactions, or an improvement in social relationships through problem-solving (Kennedy-Moore and Watson, 2001).

2. In line with the concept of new interpretations, try to identify and challenge thought patterns that are associated with your anger. 

Examples of angry interpretations include, "I'm being disregarded or taken advantage of," "My needs are being ignored," or "Other people are lazy, controlling, incompetent, or selfish." It can be helpful to identify alternative explanations for what happened, even if you don’t find them believable initially. You might try to employ thought records or other cognitive tools to help you reduce the sense of threat and feel safer.

3. Beware of physical aggressiontoward objects. 

Similar to verbal venting, "cathartic" aggressive behaviors like hitting a pillow or punching bag or throwing objects can have the opposite of the desired effect (Bushman, 2002). These actions increase adrenaline (a "fight/flight" hormone) and can be a way of reinforcing an association between anger and violence.

4. Do what you can to reduce physical activation and demonstrate a sense of calm even before you feel it. 

Deep breathing, walking, stretching and muscle relaxation may help. Relaxing your face into a calm expression can be surprisingly effective; some older research demonstrates that our own facial expressions influence emotional experience (e.g., Laird, 1974). A calm body gives rise to a calmer mind.

5. Resist the sense of urgency that is often associated with anger and allow yourself time to respond rather than to simply react. 

Angry feelings make us want to react immediately and impulsively when the more skillful method is often to take some time to respond in a considered way. Take a break and delay action to give yourself the best chance of responding in a way that aligns with your values.

An Exercise for Coping with Anger

Can you identify common themes for your anger, particularly thought patterns? When have you managed anger in a way that felt effective and values-consistent, and how were you able to respond that way? Is there a specific tool that you are willing to try the next time you feel angry?

References

Bushman, B.J. (2002). Does venting anger feed or extinguish the flame? Catharsis, rumination, distraction, anger and aggressive responding. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 28(6), 724-731.

Kennedy-Moore, E., & Watson, J.C. (2001). How and when does emotional expression help? Review of General Psychology, 5(3), 187-212.

Laird, J. D. (1974). Self-attribution of emotion: The effects of expressive behavior on the quality of emotional experience. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 29, 475-486.

Kate Gapinski Ph.D.