Six Things That Help Marriages Survive Sex Addiction

Couples can get through the crisis of sex addiction and recovery and they very often do so, more often in fact than you would think given how traumatic the disclosure of sex addiction is to a relationship.
Part of the reason that couples can get through the upheaval of sex addiction and recovery I think is that the addiction is really not a problem that is a product of the relationship or marriage.  Sex addiction has roots that go way back into childhood attachment issues and involve patterns of coping behavior that existed well before the marriage.

The following are six basic things that couples need to know and do in order to have the best chance of having a good relationship in the future.

1. Do the work.  Most sex addicts find it impossible to quit on their own.  I have seen couples go for years without confronting the problem and their relationship just continues to deteriorate.  Partners are often the ones who have to provide the motivation for the addict to seek treatment.  Many addicts will only get help after their partner lowers the boom.  Partners must also be in therapy.  Partners are not the cause of the problem but they need a great deal of help and support if the couple is going to make it.

2. Get some separation from each other in the beginning of treatment.  Many couples make the mistake of trying to confront sex addiction as a couple.  Sex addiction is not that kind of problem.  Couples may have many problems as a couple in terms of openness, communication, and so on, but they can only deal with those after the sex addiction has been treated for a while.  It is actually a good idea to live separately for a while without making a decision about divorce.

3. Abstain from sex for 6 months.  Abstaining from all sex will likely be a part of the sex addict’s program in the beginning of treatment.   This period of abstaining includes abstaining from sex with spouses and partners of the addict.  This may be difficult or easy, or it may seem counter-intuitive but it is part of the process.

4. Get “pre-marital” counseling later on.  Each person gets help with their own therapist and their own 12-step support group prior to coming together to work on “the relationship.”  In other words, both people are going to undergo a lot of changes in the course of getting healthier through treatment.  In some ways each partner will not be the same person they were before.  It remains to be seen whether these two “new” people want to be together or not.

5. Be more honest than you ever thought of being.  A healthy intimate relationship demands a level of honesty, commitment and a willingness to share all parts of yourself with your partner.  It also involves letting go of competitiveness and truly being there for your spouse or partner, not only in terms of what they ask of you but in your ability to respond to and support who they are.

6. Be prepared to continue to work on your relationship.  It is easy to backslide and become complacent.  Old patterns and ways of behaving can creep back in. Some couples go to couple retreats periodically or go to couple intensive workshops to give themselves a booster shot.  And be supportive of each other’s continued work in individual recovery.

Sex addiction recovery takes a long time; three to five years for substantial recovery to be achieved.  Couples who decide to stick it out together need to take a very long view.  Both addicts and partners tend to panic in the early phase of discovery and often overreact one way or the other.  But keeping a level head and reminding yourselves that it is a long process and that you can get through it will be an invaluable tool.

Linda Hatch  Sep 13, 2012

Do You Have Healthy Boundaries in Your Relationship? Take the Quiz

Boundaries are a necessary part of any intimate relationship and of relationships in general.  They are guiding principles that I have which determine how I behave; what I will do and refrain from doing.  As such they are part of the definition of “me.”  For example setting a boundary that says “I will tell my partner if I have engaged in my addictive sexual behavior or if I have come close to it” defines me as “honest about my sexual behavior.”

Without boundaries I have no solid sense of myself. 

Without a solid foundation to who I am I cannot hope to weather strong emotional upheavals or protect myself from destructive situations.  In this case “me” becomes very vulnerable to what people say and do to me, to the momentary problems that crop up and therefore I cannot regulate my emotions.  I am likely to respond reflexively, unconsciously or on the basis of old “scripts” from my past.  I am a slave to my irrational thoughts and feelings.

Boundaries help keep me emotionally regulated

If I am emotionally dysregulated (meaning that I respond with excessively strong emotions and that I take too long to get back to baseline) then I have diminished self-efficacy.  I will be less effective at getting my needs met in a relationship or in life in general.  I will be vulnerable to the urge to grab hold of anything that offers some way to get back into emotional equilibrium, i.e. my drug of choice.

Boundaries in relationships: the quiz

The lack of boundaries can wreak havoc on relationships.  Boundaries are essential to the ability of the partners to meet their own needs and relate to each other in a calm, open and rational way.  Without boundaries I may become overly combative or overly compliant with my partner. I may allow myself to feel controlled and victimized.  Or I may try to control the other person or “fix” them.

The following will help you look at your own boundaries or lack of them. Granted these items are somewhat arbitrary and there are a lot of different ways to describe the same processes.  See for example David Richo’s Maintaining Personal Boundaries in Relationships (The California Therapist July/August 1990.)  Look at the statements below and check those that apply to you.

1. I often excuse or try to ignore behavior that is really unacceptable
2. I go along with what my partner wants to keep the peace
3. I get obsessed with what my partner is doing wrong
4. I try to find roundabout ways of getting my partner to change
5. I feel guilty about claiming my right to privacy and alone time
6. I do favors I don’t want to do just because I am asked
7. I don’t know how to avoid drama and blow-ups
8. I stay in relationships that are probably hopeless
9. I am afraid of disagreeing or doing something my partner won’t like
10. My self esteem goes up or down depending on my partner
11. I try to be perfect and not show vulnerability
12. I have to feel “needed” in order to be in a relationship

Building better boundaries

If you check any of these statements you may need to think about the need to look at your lack of boundaries and work with someone on building better, healthier boundaries.

Having good boundaries is learned in childhood or is not learned properly.  The process of getting better at setting and keeping healthy boundaries involves looking at your early experiences that may have made us feel unwilling or unable to stick up for ourselves.  For example you may have had a family situation that discouraged or punished you for asking for what you needed or expressing your feelings.  You may have had experiences that left you with abandonment fear and insecurity about whether you can put your needs first.

Linda Hatch , Jan 31, 2013