Study Suggests Men And Women May View Cheating Very Differently

The idea that men are from Mars and women are from Venus may feel outdated or even downright sexist, but a recent study suggests that there may be some truth to that notion -- at least when it comes to the way men and women tend to view cheating.

The new research suggests that, within heterosexual couples, the average male is more likely to be upset by sexual infidelity, while the average female is much more likely to be bothered by emotional infidelity. The study, recently published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior, was based on a survey of 63,894 gay, lesbian, bisexual and heterosexual participants who visited msnbc.com back in 2007. 

The crux of the survey was this prompt: "Take a moment to imagine which of the following situations would be MOST upsetting or distressing to you." Respondents could then choose between two options: "You found out that your partner is having a sexual relationship with someone else (but has not fallen in love with this person)" or "You found out that your partner has fallen in love with someone else (but is not having a sexual relationship with this person)."

Here's where the Mars and Venus bit comes in. For heterosexuals, men were more likely than women to be upset by sexual infidelity over emotional infidelity (54 percent versus 35 percent). This was true across income levels, relationship status, parenthood and even infidelity history. Previous studies have found this to be the case, but this study found something new: While over half of heterosexual men were more troubled by sexual infidelity, only about 30 percent of all the other gender and sexuality groups felt the same way -- heterosexual women, gay men, lesbian women and bisexuals were much more concerned with an emotional affair than a sexual one.

So what sets heterosexual men apart? According to evolutionary psychologists, paternal uncertainty is to blame. Men can't always be certain if they're truly the father of their partner's offspring, yet they can potentially invest a lot of time and resources into bringing up children. So all of that sexual jealousy may be a protective measure -- rather than risk wasting energy on someone else's offspring, men's jealousy can trigger responses to make sure their partner produces offspring with their genes. A jealous man may respond to a threat by intimidating potential sexual rivals or wooing his partner and being more loving and affectionate if he thinks she might cheat.

Heterosexual women, on the other hand, may be more concerned with an emotional affair, because that may put the future of her offspring at risk. From an evolutionary perspective, women have many obligatory costs associated with childrearing, from the nine-month pregnancy to concern with the emotional outcomes of children. If a father is in love with a new partner, he may leave his family and devote emotional and material resources to the new woman, leaving his child at risk. 

Of course, these perspectives are just hypotheses and reflect the average man or woman; even David Frederick, an Assistant Professor of Psychology at Chapman University and co-author of the study, said that social environments can manipulate these evolved mental systems and humans are much more nuanced than survey results can suggest. That said, the gender difference on infidelity seems to be pretty robust across the cultures that have been studied thus far.

Anecdotally, Robert Weiss, a social worker and director of intimacy and sexual disorders programs for the Elements Behavioral Health treatment center, told The Huffington Post that these findings are in line with what he's seen in his clinical practice. Men, he said, tend to take sexual and emotional affairs as a bruise to their ego, while women look at infidelity more holistically. 

"For women, if a guy goes out and has an emotional affair with somebody, it puts her whole life in jeopardy," Weiss said. "She's thinking about their kids, their family, their wedding, their home, their finances -- she's thinking in the biggest and broadest sense How can I protect my family and myself?"

It's important to emphasize that there were plenty of men in the study who were more upset by emotional infidelity and plenty of women who were more upset by sexual infidelity. Rather than making any sweeping generalities and casting away your partner to a different emotional planet, it may best to simply take these findings as an entry way to empathy in your relationship.

"Just keep in mind that the aspect of infidelity that might be most upsetting to you if you had suffered it might not be what your partner is most upset by," Frederick said.

Huff Post Jan. 29. 2015

Internet Porn And The Rise Of Sex Addiction

Statistics for sex addiction are hard to come by for a number of reasons. Some experts still deny the existence of sex addiction, also known as hypersexual disorder. Diagnosing this condition isn’t easy and, of course, it is likely that a high percentage of people struggling with it are too ashamed to ask for help. In spite of the shaky statistics, many experts who work with sex addicts agree that the problem is on the rise, and many attribute the near epidemic levels of sex addiction to the easy access to Internet pornography.

Sex Addiction And Pornography

Defining sex addiction is similar to defining any addiction. A person addicted to sex is obsessed with any type of sexual behavior, action or thoughts. This could mean masturbation, actual sex with multiple partners, using pornography, sexual or lewd jokes or anything else sexual. A sex addict feels an overwhelming impulse to engage in these acts or thoughts and does so to the detriment of other aspects of her life. She continues in spite of the damage caused to her relationships, her normal activities or even her work.

Pornography does not have to be a part of sex addiction, but it often is. It can act almost like a gateway drug. It’s easy for anyone with Internet access to get pornography for free. While for some people it may simply become a healthy occasional diversion, others become obsessed with viewing it. Some sex addicts may use pornography exclusively, while others may use it as just one of a few different sexual obsessions.

Sex Addiction On The Rise

Experts estimate that 3 percent to 5 percent of the U.S. population meets the criteria. This means that around 9 million Americans have a problem with sex addiction. A definite statistic that illustrates the increase in cases of sex addiction is the fact that there are about 1,500 therapists specializing in treating sex addiction. This number is up from 100 or fewer just 10 years ago.

These therapists and other professionals working with sex addicts report that they not only see more patients, but that the demographics are shifting. Previously, specialists saw mostly middle-aged men for treatment. Now they are reporting more women, young adults and even senior citizens coming in for treatment.

Internet Pornography – Easy-Access Porn

Most experts attribute the increasing cases of sex addiction, as well as the changing demographics, to Internet pornography. Never before in history has it been so easy to get pornographic material. The quantity and diversity of material is astounding and much of it is free. Anyone with a computer and Internet access can get anything from traditional porn to violent fetish porn and even illegal child pornography.

Experts are quick to point out that most people can view pornography and not become addicted, but the ease of access makes it more likely that a casual viewer will get hooked. The constant stream of varied content draws people in and leads them to be exposed more and more to the images and videos. They easily become desensitized (much like a drug addict develops a tolerance) and require more hardcore porn to be satisfied.

Bringing attention to the issue of sexual addictions and the problems caused by Internet porn is important. More than other addictions, this one carries a lot of shame and stigma. It is difficult to ask for help when sex is the problem. With more awareness, more people suffering will feel empowered to get help.

If You Believe Yourself Or A Loved One Has A Problem With Porn Or Sex Addiction

Learn More About SEX ADDICTION TREATMENT NOW --> www.bevillandassociates.com 

If you can't focus at the office, your browser history may be to blame.

• For some people, internet porn is highly addictive

  A significant percentage of people with genitals and a WiFi connection can likely attest to the fact that pornography is habit-forming. And they can be even stronger than other addictions because, when it comes to sex, we have an evolutionary desire to “get it while the getting [is] good,” explains Gary Wilson, a retired physiology teacher and the author of “Your Brain On Porn,” in the TED Talk above.

• Your brain gets a hit of the reward hormone dopamine when you look at new images of naked people. Excessive amounts of dopamine can lead your brain to trigger a binge mechanism called “Delta FosB.” This leads to stronger cravings, which, compounded with our modern unlimited access to porn, can allow an addiction to quickly spiral out of control.

As with any addiction, once your brain has been wired to become fixated on porn, virtually everything else becomes secondary to you — even that promotion you want but can’t seem to bring yourself to hustle for

• This impacts your brain’s ability to function correctly

  

  PM Images/Getty Images

  Studies have indicated that “pornographic picture processing” can have a negative impact on your brain’s working memory. This is a part of the brain that, for example, helps you troubleshoot when you get that email from an angry client, or allows you to meet a deadline while successfully fielding emails.

  Excessive porn use has also been linked to increased impulsivity, so if you can’t seem to muster up enough self-control to get that report written, it may be the fault of “Hot Teacher Does Oral.”

• According to Wilson, internet porn addiction “symptoms are easily mistaken for other conditions, such as ADHD, social anxiety, depression, performance anxiety, OCD, and so on,” and a misdiagnosis may cause job performance issues to continue. “So, many guys never realize that they could reverse their symptoms by changing their behavior.

• Thousands of guys swear that giving up porn has made them better employees

  

  Paul Bradbury/Getty Images

  Perhaps the most compelling evidence linking porn use and crappy job performance is anecdotal. Here’s the anonymous testimony of dudes who claim to have stopped watching clips of other people having sex:

  “My writing has gotten much better…. word choice, sentence structure, etc. During my first year of graduate school (which I just finished), writing was a real chore. Now, after no-porn, it’s a pleasure. So easy and free. I have more words at my disposal, probably because my memory has improved in general.”

  “I feel much more in control and calm now…My ability to concentrate and think logically has skyrocketed without the fog.”

Sex Addiction Works Like Drug Addiction in Brain, Study Finds

Sex addiction is believed to exist by many experts, but has yet to be officially recognized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders (the DSM) due to a lack of research. Now, a new study may have provided a core piece of evidence: researchers investigating the effect of viewing sexually explicit videos on the brains of those with compulsive sexual behavior have found evidence that brain regions become activated that are also implicated in drug addiction. The study may offer hope for official recognition of the condition in the future, but also provides evidence for the incentive-motivation theory of addiction as a whole, as well as potentially opening up new avenues for treatment.

The methodology of the study was fairly straightforward: two groups of men—19 with compulsive sexual behavior and 19 without—were shown a series of video clips (some sexually explicit, some erotic and some neither, such as clips of sporting events), and their brain activity was observed using MRI scans. The researchers also asked the participants to rate how much they enjoyed the video and how much it increased their sexual desire. The participants with compulsive sexual behavior had experienced numerous issues as a result of their problem, including damaged relationships, lost jobs and excessive amounts of money spent on things like escorts. None of the participants were regular drug users, although one participant in each group used marijuana infrequently.

Sex Addicts Show Brain Activity Similar to Compulsive Drug Users

The core finding of the research was that three brain areas (the ventral striatum, the dorsal anterior cingulate and the amygdala) were activated considerably more when those with compulsive sexual behavior viewed sexually explicit video clips in comparison to those without the condition. These brain regions are implicated in the anticipation of rewards; they’re central to the processes of motivation and craving, and have also been found to be activated when drug users anticipate using substances. As would be expected, the same response was not observed when they watched videos of sports. In short, those with sex addiction have the same neurological response when viewing sexually explicit videos as you’d see in drug abusers thinking about using drugs. This is a key piece of evidence that sex addiction works in the same way as other, more strongly established addictions.

Incentive Motivation and Addiction

For the participant-rated section of the study, those with compulsive sexual behavior rated their sexual desire as being high when watching explicit videos, but didn’t rate themselves as liking the videos any more than the group of healthy, non-addicted participants. This seems paradoxical, since you’d expect somebody who was addicted to a behavior to enjoy it more than somebody who isn’t, but the finding seems to fit well with the incentive-motivation theory of addiction.

The incentive motivation theory states that for people suffering from addiction, the “wanting” is more crucial than the actual “having” of the desired behavior or substance. The idea came from the simple observation that people dependent on substances strongly crave their substance of choice, but don’t actually experience much pleasure while taking it. The theory is that the “wanting” part becomes “sensitized” (in other words, intensified) while the actual pleasure from the substances remains the same. The other elements of existing theories of addiction—like both genetic and environmental factors influencing susceptibility—fit right into the framework as before, except that that the susceptibility is to the increased craving for substances rather than to their effects themselves.

More Evidence for Sex Addiction and Potential New Treatments

The finding is interesting in an academic sense for the prevailing theories of addiction, but the most important element is the uncovering of neurological mechanisms for sex addiction. The researchers on this study are keen to point out that the finding doesn’t necessarily provide evidence that porn is addictive or that the individuals studied are addicted, but the observed similarity with drug addiction is a strong indicator. With the neurochemical effects of sex and pornography, and the clearer picture we’re getting of the physical mechanisms at play, it seems only a matter of time before the issue is well defined and ready for inclusion in the next DSM.

For those who will struggle with the condition in the future, the researchers also point out that the mechanisms uncovered could provide hope for a biomedical intervention to help treat the condition. This will be quite some time away, of course, but it’s the first step down a road that could lead to a physical treatment. Counseling is destined to continue to play an integral role, but anything offering hope for additional help is cause for celebration. Also, if further findings support the incentive-motivation model for addiction, it could become a turning point for how we approach psychological treatment for all addictions.

Written by : Rob Weiss

The Basics Of Rebooting

The Basics Of Rebooting

If addiction-related brain changes or sexual conditioning are underlying your symptoms, you need to reverse the process by giving your brain a well deserved time-out. Rebooting is our term for recovering from porn addiction and associated symptoms, including erectile dysfunction. We call it rebooting so you can envision restoring your brain to its original factory settings. Obviously, you cannot go back in time to restore point, or erase all the data as you would when you wipe clean a computer’s hard drive. However, you can heal many of the brain changes that lead to your porn addiction. (See: Does porn addiction cause irreversible damage to the brain?)

The quickest way to reboot is to give your brain a rest from artificial sexual stimulation—porn, porn fantasy, erotica, and for some - masturbation and orgasm. Most guys eliminate or drastically reduce orgasms during their reboot period. On the other hand, sensual contact with a real person can be beneficial, as long as you don't fantasize about porn. In fact, some guys engage in gentle intercourse, in which they avoid getting close to the edge or orgasming.

If porn use is the cause of your symptoms, you may wonder why it helps to eliminate masturbation and orgasm during the temporary rebooting period. The short answer is -"that's how most guys have done it." All suggestions for rebooting come from men who have successfully rebooted. Nearly all discovered that mixing in masturbation or orgasms slows, or in some cases, entirely derails, the rebooting process, especially if you have porn-induced ED.

To our surprise, very few men successfully recover from porn-induced ED while continuing a regular masturbation/orgasm schedule (see - Porn & ED). The few who continue to have orgasms, and successfully recover from porn-induced ED, are men who didn't start early on Internet porn. Most are in their late 30's to early 50's, and have a significant other. This doesn't mean that you will never recover if you continue to masturbate, orgasm or relapse into porn. In fact, most guys sometimes "relapse" back into porn use during their reboot.

It's very confusing at first because the process is nonlinear, and each brain recovers differently. Some people have intermittent cravings and flatline periods. Some have their worst cravings in the first two weeks. Some feel good for a short time and then go into a more challenging period. Some feel horribly anxious. Some feel *less* anxious overall, but also have sluggish libido for weeks. Others don't find out their libido was recovered until they get with a real partner after several months.

Again: Some guys with ED can get away with orgasms, although they drastically reduce the frequency. Those men are almost always older men who did not start with Internet porn. They wired their sexuality to the real deal before diving into the Internet. Most have a significant other in the picture.

"To masturbate, or not to masturbate, that is the question"

As stated, we have only two "rules': 1) Stop using artificial sexual stimuli, and 2) Do what works for you. Many guys have discovered it is helpful to eliminate or drastically reduce masturbation/orgasm during a reboot. Possible reasons to drastically reduce or eliminate masturbation during a reboot:

1. If you have porn-induced ED, your brain is saying: "I can't do this anymore". Understand that your urge to masturbate is not true libido - you are addicted to porn, or your sexuality is conditioned to pixels. If you need porn to masturbate, or have a partially erect penis when you do, you are not horny or in need of "release". You are addicted and seeking a fix: a temporary dopamine high.

2.The majority of men with porn-induced ED need to drastically reduce masturbation and orgasm. When you have a pathology, you usually need to do more than just eliminate the cause - in this case porn use. You don't generally break a leg by putting weight on it. However, once it's broken you have to cast it, use crutches and eliminate walking while you heal. Same goes for porn-induced ED. You don't have to wear a cast, but you need to give your brain time to heal, free of intense sexual stimulation.

Masturbation and porn use are tightly wired together. Like Pavlov's dog that salivated when it heard the bell, you will start drooling for porn when masturbating. Time is needed to weaken the neural connections intertwining wanking and watching.

Recovery may be easier without masturbation/orgasm. Remove masturbation/orgasm from the equation and most guys experience a sharp decline in sexual desire, we call the flatline. (See: "HELP! I quit porn, but my potency, genital size, and libido are decreasing")

When you also eliminate orgasm/masturbation, not just porn, it seems to precipitate a more complete and deeper withdrawal, and thus healing.
 
Masturbation and orgasm strongly reactivate cravings to use porn. It has been surprising to witness that most men have an easier time eliminating masturbation than they do porn. For most guys with porn addiction, masturbation is simply not that interesting without porn, and they are amazed to discover that porn, not their libido, was driving their constant search for relief.

Caveat: All the above is based on the current feedback given to us by successful rebooters. It is subject to change.

Caveat 2: Some guys with porn-induced ED need to orgasm in order to jump-start their brains after a reboot or extended flatline
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For more information regarding the Basics of Rebooting, check out video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4yx4ouxGbQ

Be Honest About Your Fears

Many who struggle with addiction wrestle with fear … fear of loneliness, fear of rejection, fear of worthlessness, fear of not being able to stop.  

Fear paralyzes us and keeps us trapped in our destructive habits. Fear is often what holds people back from getting accountable. The thing about fear is that you can’t escape it unless you admit it. You need to own up to the fear and recognize that it is an issue you must face. Write yourself a letter today confessing your fears about addiction and what you plan on doing to break free.  

We all need to break free of fear, but it takes courage and brutal honesty to do so. Get open with yourself and take a huge step towards freedom. 

Marriage Restored: Reuniting with My Porn-Addict Husband After a 7-Year Separation

I grew up in an abusive, legalistic Christian home and “ran away” to college to escape my home life and all my problems. But I moved with me. I was still the insecure, frightened, manipulative, prideful, people-pleasing, co-dependent eighteen-year-old girl struggling with low self-esteem and depression.

I met my future husband Phil there and decided that he would be my knight in shining armor who would rescue me from all my problems. We married January 4, 1969. We did not ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. Again, I came with the marriage package. Add to that Phil and his issues, and trouble lay ahead.

Walking on Egg Shells

Shortly, I began to notice problems that had been hidden during our courtship. Phil had an explosive temper; he was an angry man and expected to be obeyed without question. Co-dependent, I blamed myself for triggering his explosions and learned to walk on egg shells to keep the peace. After graduation from college, he became a pilot in the United States Air Force, and I enjoyed being a stay-at-home mom. Phil’s anger increased and our three children learned to fear him and walk on egg shells as well. I became the referee of the family and tried to anticipate Phil’s outbursts to protect our children.

I later learned that anger and hate are an integral part of the porn addict’s life.

At other times, Phil appeared to be the perfect father. It was like living with two very different people. When he was home and was in the mood, he taught our boys to play ball, fish, hunt, swim, etc. He liked having fun with the boys. However, he ignored our daughter.

The tricky part was recognizing when Phil was done having fun. Continuing to play once he decided to stop was risky. After the explosion, Phil would leave the room for a few minutes and then return and speak with a syrupy, sweet voice while we all pretended nothing had happened.

Selfish Withdrawal

When life became especially difficult, Phil would seem to make efforts to work on our relationships. Yet, each time he would do just enough—go to counseling, be calmer, spend more time at home—to appease me, to make the boat stop rocking so he would stop feeling pain.

Our pain was of no consequence to him. It was all about him. Porn addicts are selfish.

Phil also spent a lot of his spare time away from the home being alone outdoors. I often felt like a married single mom while our children grew to adulthood. Between his job and his outdoor activities, we once calculated that Phil was gone about nine months out of every year. The longer we were married, the more withdrawn he became. But his absences were often a welcome time away from him that provided opportunities for our healing and recovery.

The Porn Confession

I think the sarcasm and constant put downs hurt me the most. I tried my best to please him as his wife, his lover, and the mother of our children. I was never good enough. The attacks on who I was as a person were devastating. I became depressed and suicidal occasionally. I turned to God and allowed Him to change me step by step. It took years, but I slowly became the woman of God that He wanted me to be in the midst of our horrible circumstances.

In 1997, Phil confessed to me that he had been deeply involved with pornography since childhood. That explained so much. I now understood his hatred of women, the anger, the torment, and so much more. He had been living a secret life since we married, and I had no clue that porn had such a hold on him. His addiction affected every aspect of our lives.

Celebrate Recovery

In September, 2001, Phil joined Celebrate Recovery, a Christ-centered twelve-step program. In nine months Phil was transformed into the husband I had longed for over the years. However, he had to regain my trust. It had taken 33 years to reach this point in our marriage. It would take time for the wounds to heal.

• The healing process began when he made amends to me and asked for my forgiveness. I could not remember him once apologizing at any other time in our marriage.
• He began to court me to win my heart. He sent me flowers and called me just to say hi instead of complaining about his problems. We spent time together.
• He started to do what he said he would do. Little things like mowing the lawn before it became a forest and taking out the trash on time touched my heart.
• We went on walks and talked without distractions.
• He took me out on dates—not expensive but thoughtful.
• He began to treat me with respect and to refrain from sarcasm. He became gentler and transparent, no more secrets. He was different. Before when he would do or say some of the same things, they did not seem genuine but manipulative.
• He asked me what he could do to make me feel safe and secure. He installed filters on his computer and stayed in touch with his accountability partner and other guys who supported his new lifestyle. He began reaching out and helping other men struggling with porn addiction and its effects on the family.
• He began smiling, and we laughed together. We spent time together.
• He apologized to our children and worked hard to rebuild those relationships, especially with our daughter.

All this took time, but the results were well worth the wait and effort by both of us. It takes two to heal a marriage. First, we each had to become healthy individuals. Then we could work on our marriage. On August 31, 2002, after a seven-year separation, we were reunited in a renewal ceremony with friends and family from around the country attending. Our three children and two daughters-in-law stood up with us as we committed our lives and marriage to God. Our heavenly Father restored us individually, our marriage, and our relationships with our children.

Written by: Bobi Naukam 

Relationship Killers

People usually begin romantic relationships with great hopes. They don’t expect that their love will end. But, unfortunately, that is sometimes the reality. And often, there are warning signs that the relationship is headed in that direction. Relationship researcher John Gottman offers four such indicators, which he calls the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”

Below are Gottman’s four warning signs – and adjustments you can make if you see them in your relationship:

Criticism: When a partner attacks the other person’s character. Criticism is different from complaining, which focuses on a particular problem or behavior. “You are such a slob” or “You always leave the house a mess” are criticisms. “I’m tired of finding your dirty socks all over the floor” is a complaint. It is difficult to have any constructive response to a criticism, but you can work cooperatively to address a complaint.

Fix: Commit to making complaints rather than criticisms. If your partner tends to criticize, talk with them about the difference between these two ways of addressing problems and make an agreement for you both to complain rather than criticize.

Contempt: Criticism taken to the next level – a person is attacking their partner as a whole person. Contempt is insulting, demeaning, and is intended to put the criticizer on a higher level than their partner. It might include name-calling, mockery, sarcastic humor, or body language such as eye-rolling or sneering.

Fix: Lower the tolerance for contempt. Actively work on building a healthier respect, more effective communication, and greater appreciation of each other. Given that this is the most problematic of all the horsemen, a relationship that involves contempt will probably need couples therapy to help them make positive changes.

Defensiveness: Responding to an attack by defending yourself and then attacking back. Your defense might involve making excuses, disagreeing, ignoring the attack, or taking on a victim role.

Fix: Truly listen to your partner’s complaint, empathize with their distress, and take some responsibility for the problem. You can give your side of the story, but only after honestly showing compassion for their distress – that is, after showing that you really want to soothe their suffering.

Stonewalling: Withdrawing from a conversation or the relationship as a protection from being hurt. The person may physically leave or just stop following the conversation. The person often looks like they don’t care even though the real cause is that they are overwhelmed.

Fix: Talk about this pattern together and work on being able to identify when the stone-waller is becoming overwhelmed. Also, develop a plan for how to give them some space, such as agreeing to take a break for some allotted amount of time. Make sure to come back at some point to the problem at hand.

It is best to identify these patterns early. The longer they continue, the more they can damage your relationship. If you find that you keep repeating the same old patterns despite doing your best to nurture healthier ones, it may be time for couples therapy.

How the iPhone Changed Everything

A hundred years from now, students of Twenty-First Century history will learn that a major turning point in humanity’s cultural evolution came on January 9, 2007. That was the day the iPhone was introduced.

You remember what life was like before the iPhone, don’t you? Back when people in the same room would actually talk to each other? When they could eat their food without photographing it? When they could maintain eye-contact for more than a minute?

There were earlier significant dates, of course. January 7, 1977, for example: the day the first personal computer, the Commodore PET, went on sale. August 6, 1991, the day the World Wide Web went live for the very first time. But it was not until these two streams—the personal computer and the Internet—converged in a device you can hold in your hand that everything really changed.

The Smartphone Revolution

The iPhone launched the smartphone revolution, which has completely changed the way nearly everyone connects. While waiting for my lunch today, I accepted a friend request using my Samsung Android, bringing my total number of close, personal Facebook friends to 3,927. I don’t really know most of these people, of course. I may have met them, but all I really know about most of them is the version of themselves they present online. And all these “friends” know about me is what they see online, which is hardly a complete picture. Because I typically post on Facebook only while I’m traveling, some of them evidently believe I live on airplanes.

The smartphone has changed the way we communicate, the way we learn, the way we navigate. More than that, it has fundamentally altered the way we perceive the world. Just think about it. How much of your life today did you apprehend through that little window you hold in your hand? And make no mistake about it—the smartphone is a window. It is not a door. You cannot actually enter cyberspace. You can only watch it from the other side of the glass and imagine what it’s like to be in someone else’s life.

iPorn: The Warping of the Human Brain

The smartphone has also become the primary means by which most of us access pornography. That’s another big change. When I got started as a porn user back in the 1970s, pornography came primarily in print form, in glossy publications called “men’s magazines,” because porn users in those days were almost exclusively male. (Guys bought Playboy and Penthouse back then. Girls bought romance novels, or porn without the pictures.) Today, however, 40% of the visitors to sexually-oriented websites are female, and the fastest growing demographic among the sexually addicted population is female.

Anecdotal evidence suggests that among adolescents, girls and boys are rapidly approaching parity in their porn use. This trend has profound and troubling implications for our future. Thanks to advances in medical science, we now have a pretty clear picture of what happens in the brain during sexual arousal and climax. In addition to triggering an avalanche of endorphins—those “feel-good” chemicals that make the experience so pleasurable—the brain instructs the posterior pituitary gland to release oxytocin, the bonding hormone. Oxytocin is the same substance that is released in a parent and an infant during breastfeeding or skin-to-skin contact. It is oxytocin that creates the attachment we now know is absolutely vital to healthy psychological development. (You’ve probably heard about those studies of neglected kids in Romanian orphanages and the long-term effects they suffered because they were deprived of physical touch.) Without attachment, you can actually die from loneliness.

The Ancients knew something about the bonding power of sex. In its first mention of sex, for example, the Bible says that “Adam knew his wife, and she conceived and brought forth Cain.” The euphemism translated “knew” in Genesis 4:1 is the Hebrew word yada, a term laden with meaning. Yada in this context denotes something far more than mere familiarity; it describes a deep and intimate connection. Small wonder the Bible says that in marital relations, “the two become one flesh.”

Here’s what makes modern-day pornography—the crap that a heartless and highly profitable industry now happily delivers in sample form to anyone, free of charge—so very, very destructive. Today’s porn produces sensory overload. Full-motion video, complete with sound, overwhelms the frontal cortex, the part of the brain where rational thinking takes place and moral judgments are made. It stimulates the pleasure centers located deep in the nucleus accumbens, a part of the brain that cannot distinguish between virtual experience and actual experience. Today’s porn fools the brain into triggering the pleasurable chemical cascade and releasing oxytocin, even though no flesh-and-blood partner is present.

In the thrall of Internet pornography, millions of us are now bonding day after day with an endless parade of phantoms. We’ve become hooked on false intimacy, hoodwinked by images that evaporate the moment the screen goes dark. Our portable porn projectors have trivialized and commoditized sex, reducing the sacred gift of yada to nothing more than “yada, yada, yada.”

Smartphones are not evil in themselves, of course, but like any major technological innovation they carry destructive potential. Unless we are careful to protect ourselves and our children, we may one day discover that the instrument we thought would deliver us from loneliness has actually done the opposite: destroyed our very capacity for connection and left us lonelier than we ever imagined.

Written By: Nate Larkin 

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Why Your Resolution to Quit Porn Will Fail Miserably (and how to succeed instead)

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About 45% of Americans make New Year’s resolutions, and 88% of all resolutions end in failure. Your resolution this year might be to “lose weight” or “get organized” or “quit smoking,” but regardless, there are good psychological reasons why most New Year’s resolutions fail. And when you’re resolved to stop something as pleasurable as watching porn, the deck is most certainly stacked against you.

So, how do you set a resolution that sticks? What does behavioral science say, and more importantly, how does the Bible shed light on quitting porn?

1. Start with small, measurable goals

“What a mistake—the whole idea around New Year’s resolutions. People aren’t picking specific behaviors, they’re picking abstractions,” says B.J. Fogg, founder of Tiny Habits.

Dr. Coral Arvon, director of behavioral health and wellness at Pritikin Longevity Center, agrees. She says there is a big difference between making resolutions and changing habits. Setting “small, short-term goals are the most effective and taking resolutions one step at a time is the best way to succeed,” Dr. Arvon says.

Dr. Richard Wiseman tracked 5,000 individuals in their New Year’s resolutions. Only 10% achieved their goals. One of the key things the 10% did to succeed was break their overall goal into a series of steps, focusing on sub-goals that were concrete, measurable, and time-based.

The Bible is replete with such wisdom. Jesus says those who finish well as disciples are those who anticipate the measurable steps along the way. He said, “For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish’” (Luke 14:28-30). The book of Proverbs also recognizes the wisdom of knowing the day-to-day steps and logical ordering it takes to achieve a goal. “Prepare your work outside; get everything ready for yourself in the field, and after that build your house” (Proverbs 24:27).

So, how do you turn “Stop looking at porn” into smaller goals? Isn’t it an all-or-nothing kind of thing? Yes and no. Yes, one of our sub-goals should not be to merely “cut back” our porn viewing or reduce it to some manageable frequency. Merely drinking less deadly poison compared to yesterday is not an admirable goal.

But we can—and should—break our goal down into day-by-day, moment-by-moment steps.More often than not, freedom from pornography is not about being “delivered” from sin in a moment; it is about saying no in the day-to-day choices. The miracle of healing is a process.

• Write down the places and situations where the temptation to view porn is the strongest and plan an “exit strategy” to flee from those tempting situations over the next three weeks. Plan how you will avoid those situations. Write it down. Plan how you will exit those situations when they arise. Write it down. Why three weeks? Because it’s easier than saying “for the rest of my life.” After three weeks, set a new goal.
• Write down a list of SUDs—Seemingly Unimportant Decisions—that typically bring you one step closer to viewing porn. Certain activities look benign, but often there is a hidden motive. Is it getting online at night all by yourself? Not going to bed on time? Watching certain channels on TV? Listening to a certain kind of music? Shutting the door to your office or room? Write these activities down and choose that for the next three weeks, you will not do these things.
• Pick a “fighter verse” that you will memorize and choose to speak aloud the moment a tempting thought enters your mind. Pick a Bible verse (or part of one) that packs a punch for you, one that reminds you of your overall goal, one that reminds you what is at stake, one that reminds you of your commitment. There are many popular ones (Job 31:1; Psalm 101:3; Psalm 119:9-10, 37; Proverbs 7:25-27; Matthew 5:28-29; Romans 6:12; Romans 13:14; 1 Corinthians 6:18; Ephesians 5:3; Philippians 4:8; Colossians 3:5; 1 Thessalonians 4:3; 2 Timothy 2:22; Titus 2:11-13; 1 Peter 2:11). Don’t be ambitious and memorize all of them. Choose just one. Speak it to yourself throughout the day and the moments you notice your thoughts heading the wrong direction. (And if you are thinking this baby-step is somehow beneath you, it is probably a good indication that you need to do it.)

2. Focus on the rewards

According to Peter Kinderman, Professor of Clinical Psychology at the University of Liverpool, one of the biggest problems with New Year’s resolutions is that people are using a rather arbitrary event—the beginning of a new calendar year—to motivate themselves to be different. “The very fact that we’re using the New Year to spur us to action might indicate that we’re not really able to do the hard work of changing,” he says.

Dr. Wiseman notes that the top 10% who actually achieve their resolutions are those who regularly remind themselves about the benefits. He recommends people create a checklist of how life will be better once they achieve their aim. What will be the reward?

Again, the Bible is filled with the language of reward. How did Moses, who grew up in the palace of Pharaoh with the fleeting pleasures of sin at his fingertips, say no to those pleasures? The book of Hebrews says, “he was looking to the reward” (Hebrews 11:26). Indeed, this is the very nature of real faith. Faith “is the assurance of things hoped for” (11:1)—the anticipation that the life we are promised is real.

When it comes to saying no to lust and pornography, there are tailor-made promises in the Scriptures that hold out to us the blessings of having a sexually pure mind and body. The apostle Peter writes that we can become more like God Himself through His “precious and very great promises” (2 Peter 1:3).

• If you are pure in heart, God promises you will see Him someday (Matthew 5:8).
• If you are sexually pure, your mind will no longer be foggy, your heart will be teachable, and you will be filled with the life of God (Ephesians 4:17-19).
• If you fill your mind with that which is honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and praiseworthy, then God’s peaceful presence will be with you (Philippians 4:8-9).
• If you are sexually pure, your heart will not be enslaved to the worship of sex, which means you can wholeheartedly devote yourself to the true and living God (1 Kings 11:4).
• If you are sexually pure, you will see and treat men as brothers and women as sisters and not as objects to be used for lust (1 Timothy 5:1-2).
• If you are not enslaved to your lusts, you will be freer to serve others in love (Galatians 5:13).
• If you are sexually pure, you will be more prepared to be a great lover and to enjoy sexual intimacy with your spouse or future spouse (Proverbs 5:18-19).
• If you are sexually pure, you will keep your marriage bed undefiled (Hebrews 13:4).
• If you are sexually pure, you will no longer waste time but instead make the most of it (Ephesians 5:16).
• If you are sexually pure, your life will be fruitful, and that fruit will be full of goodness, rightness, and truth (Ephesians 5:8-9).
• If you are sexually pure, you will be an honorable person (1 Thessalonians 4:4).
• If you are a sexually pure, person you will not be enslaved to your passions (1 Corinthians 6:12).
• If you are pure, you will be more like the glorious, risen Christ (1 John 3:1-3).
• If you are sexually pure, you will be living in the will of God for your life (1 Thessalonians 4:3).

If you want to be rid of porn, a sure-fire way to fail is to get caught in the trap of obsessing over what you are losing—not having your temporary “fix” anymore. Instead, focus on what you are gaining. Each day, prayerfully remind yourself: This is the kind of person I want to become.

3. Establish built-in reminders

Dr. Arvon suggests something simple like, “Set your smartphone calendar to give you positive messages or reminders about your goals a few times per day.” Dr. Wiseman says those who live up to their resolutions tangibly map out their progress, writing down their smaller goals and the benefits they desire.

This is also biblical. Moses established a yearly calendar and scheduled set times for the priests to blow trumpets as reminders to the people (Leviticus 23:24). Joshua had the twelve men from Israel carry stones from the Jordan River to build a memorial as a reminder of crossing the river on dry ground (Joshua 4). Jesus Himself instituted the Lord’s Supper to serve as a visible reminder to the church of His death (1 Corinthians 11:23-26).

It isn’t “unspiritual” to manipulate your physical environment so you can be reminded of your commitments. Do what works for you. Stick Post-It® Notes everywhere. Wear a ring or bracelet. Set alarms or alerts in your phone or on your computer calendar. Or do like what Jason George does: record your voice speaking aloud the promises and blessings listed above in your iPod and listen to it every morning for the next three weeks—and then make the same commitment three weeks later.

4. Be accountable for your goals

Dr. Wiseman says that all those who achieve their resolutions had something else in common: They told their friends and family about their goals. This accomplished two things: it increased the fear of failure and created a network of support.

The same is true in cases of porn addiction. A study from Fuller Theological Seminary found that those who combined both Christian counseling and using Covenant Eyes Accountability software on their computers experienced a 66% drop in relapses, and many participants said they neverrelapsed.

Accountability is also something the Bible speaks a great deal about. James teaches his readers to confess their sins to one another and pray for each other so they can find healing for their distresses (James 5:16). All throughout the New Testament, the phrase “one another” is repeated over and over, giving the church a picture of the kind of relationships we are meant to have: relationships of encouragement (1 Thessalonians 4:18), bearing each others’ burdens (Galatians 6:2), admonishment (Romans 15:14), and love (Romans 13:8).

Accountability also brings with it the fear of failure or disgrace before others. The Bible also speaks to this:

Another motivator God has given us to keep us from sin is the threat of potential disgrace or shame before other people (Luke 14:9; Romans 1:24-26; 6:21; 1 Corinthians 11:6,14; 14:35). We ought to be aware of how our sins impact other people and our relationships. Paul’s term for this is “walking properly” (Romans 13:13; 1 Corinthians 14:40; 1 Thessalonians 4:12). It means living in a manner of decency, and having the awareness that our actions impact those around us.

We do not sin in a vacuum. Our sin impacts our families, friends, and communities, and thus it impacts our place in those relationships. (Coming Clean: Overcoming Lust Through Biblical Accountability)

This is why accountability is critical for success, and when it comes to Internet pornography, accountability software is a proven tool.

5. Have the right attitude about slips

It is easy to fall prey to the I-might-as-well attitude. If we slip and start watching a little pornography, often we say, “Well, I’ve already sinned. I might as well sin big.” Dr. Wiseman counsels those who are making New Year’s resolutions: “Expect to revert to your old habits from time to time. Treat any failure as a temporary setback rather than a reason to give up altogether.”

This is most certainly true in the area of pornography. In their groundbreaking Conquer Series, Jeremy and Tiana Wiles teach those in sexual bondage: “A relapse does not stop the healing process, but it will have consequences.” This balance is critical. Relapses into sexual sin are genuine setbacks, but neither should they defeat us.

Dr. Mark Laaser writes, “Slip is an acronym for ‘Short Lapse In Progress.’” Yes, it feels good to say that it’s been 88 days since you’ve seen pornography, but when you slip on Day 89 you are not back at square one. Genuine progress was made. Change happened. Don’t let it defeat you. At the same time, Dr. Laaser says, it remains a short lapse “only if the person learns from it, repents, and grows in understanding as a result” (L.I.F.E. Guide for Men, 45).

6. Fight from a new identity

Psychology professor Peter Herman has coined the term “false hope syndrome.” When someone makes a resolution that is completely out of alignment with what they really believe is possible or how they view themselves, this not only leads to failure but a great despondency.

Researchers Anirban Mukhopadhyay and Gita Johar have found that when people believe self-control is something unlimited and dynamic (i.e. “I can stop looking at porn if I put my mind to it”), they are far more likely to stick to their goals. But those who believe self-control is limited (“I can’t help it that I look at porn. I have an addictive personality”) do worse on their resolution goals.

While it is true that the Bible speaks to human limitations because of sin, the Bible also speaks a strong message of God’s power to do the impossible despite our limitations. As Christians we must fight against porn with faith: we must believe we are children of the living God.

Christian counselor Brad Hambrick says that with every struggle in our lives—be it overcoming sinful habits or getting through times of incredible pain—we are always simultaneous sinners, sufferers, and saints.

• Sinner: Sin is part of our very nature.
• Sufferer: Our sinful world has caused us harm.
• Saint: We are children of God.

Yes, as sinners and sufferers we are, in fact, limited in our ability to change. But as saints, we are united to a God who knows no limits, who is not intimidated by our sin or our lack of faith. God’s grace does not just overcome the guilt of sin; it overcomes the grip of sin.

In His grace, God unites us to the Spirit of the risen Christ. His resurrection power now flows in our veins. Knowing this, Paul says: “Consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus” (Romans 6:11). He does not tell us to die to sin (a command), nor does he tell us we are dying to sin (a process), but he says we are dead to sin (a fact). This statement strikes at the heart of who we are. We are no longer defined by our sinful past, our present struggles with sin, our guilt, our shame, or our relationship to this sinful world. We belong to the sinless age to come. This is who we truly are.

If we make a resolution to stop looking at porn, we must do so standing firm in our identity as saints. Each time the temptation comes along, we should resist it, saying to ourselves, “This is not who I am. I am dead to sin. I have been given a spirit of power, love, and self-control. I am united to a Deliverer who is able to do far more abundantly than all I can ask or imagine.”

Written by Luke Gilkerson