proved that porn is literally making men’s brains more childish. Seriously.

Two hundred years ago in the U.K., if you said you were going to a “gentleman’s club,” it was understood you were going to a private upper-class establishment where you could relax, read, play parlor games, get a meal, and gossip with others of your class. Today, in the U.S., if you said you were going to a “gentleman’s club,” it is assumed you will be paying to see a striptease in a low-lit bar.

Is this really what should typify a “gentleman”?

Pornography is often classified, along with other sexually oriented businesses, as “adult” entertainment—something for “mature” audiences. If this meant that these kinds of entertainment are “not suitable for children” then few would protest.

The very thing in the brain that is the mark of adulthood and maturity is the thing that is eroded as we view more porn. It is as if the brain is reverting, becoming more childlike. “Adult” entertainment is actually making us more juvenile.

That said, it would be foolish to use this as an argument that pornography is suitable for adults. Heroin and methamphetamines are also “not suitable for children,” but this does not mean, ipso facto, that they are healthy for those over the age of 18.

Porn advocates are fond of saying (“fond” is an understatement—they repeat it like a mantra) that pornography is sophisticated, mature entertainment suitable for responsible adults. Porn, they will have you believe, is what true gentlemen appreciate—like blue cheese, good scotch, and Dostoyevsky. As the infamous Ron Jeremy is quick to say: “Pornography is consensual sex between consenting adults, to be watched by consenting adults."

Which leads us to ask: What exactly constitutes “adult” or “mature” behavior? Is it merely a commentary on the age of the participant? Or is it about something more? Stipulating proper definitions is complicated because today these terms are so often used as synonyms for erotic media—which is the very topic we’re trying to dissect.

One way we use the term “mature” is when talking about reaching a final or desired state. We speak of “mature wine” as wine that has reached its peak fermentation and is ready to be consumed. We also use the word “mature” to speak of someone who has “grown up” in his or her behaviors and attitudes—they don’t display the impetuousness and naivety of youth. This is clearly what the patrons of strip clubs are doing by calling these establishments “gentlemen’s clubs”: they are insinuating that the activities that go on are part of manly, refined behaviors.

Dopamine and the brain

Ask any neuroscientist what a “mature” human brain looks like, and he or she will likely talk to you about a region of the brain known as the prefrontal cortex. It is located directly behind the forehead and serves as the managerial center of the brain. It is responsible for our willpower, regulating our behavior, and making decisions based on wisdom and principles. When emotions, impulses, and urges surge from the midbrain, the lobes in the prefrontal cortex are there to exercise “executive control” over them. By the age of 25, this region of the brain reaches maturity, meaning that our thinking becomes more sophisticated and we can regulate our emotions more easily.

Why bring neuroscience into the equation? Because fascinating research is being done looking at the impact of viewing porn on this region of the brain.

The brain is designed in such a way to respond to sexual stimulation. Surges of dopamine are released during a sexual encounter—and yes, also pornographic encounters—giving the person a sharp sense of focus and an awareness of sexual craving. Dopamine helps to lay down memories in the brain, so the next time a man or woman is in the mood, the brain remembers where to return to experience the same pleasure: whether that be a loving spouse or the laptop in the den.

However, scientists are now seeing that continued exposure to porn gives the brain an unnatural high—something it literally isn’t wired to handle—and the brain eventually fatigues. Anatomy and physiology instructor Gary Wilson notes this is the same pattern noticed when drugs are abused: the brain becomes desensitized. More of the drug or harder drugs are needed to get the same high, and the downward spiral begins. Wilson says this brings about significant changes in the brain—both for drug abusers and porn users.

One of those changes is the erosion of the prefrontal cortex—that all-important center of executive control. When this region of the brain is weakened, when the craving for porn hits, there is very little willpower present to regulate the desire. Neuroscientists call this problem hypofrontality, where the person slowly loses impulse control and the mastery of his or her passions.

The point is this: The very thing in the brain that is the mark of adulthood and maturity is the thing that is eroded as we view more porn. It is as if the brain is reverting, becoming more childlike. “Adult” entertainment is actually making us more juvenile.

Hugh Hefner's brilliant lie

The attempt to make sexual deviancy appear gentlemanly seems to me to be nothing more than the attempt of weak men to justify shameful behavior. Since the very first issue of Playboy hit the magazine racks in 1953, Hugh Hefner’s strategy was two-fold: to distributors he would market the magazine as soft-core porn, but to the target audience he would market it as a men’s “lifestyle magazine” for upwardly mobile men. Sociologist Gail Dines explains how Playboy marketed itself, thus beginning the cultural change of porn’s public image:

“[W]hen the editors addressed the reader, the pictures were just one of many attractions, rather than the attraction. The reader was invited not to masturbate to the centerfold but rather to enter the world of the cultural elite, to discuss philosophy and consume food associated with the upper middle class…The markers of upper-class life, which appear causally thrown in as afterthoughts (cocktails, hors d’oeurves, and Picasso), were deliberately placed to cloak the magazine in an aura of upper-middle class respectability.”

Just as sure as Playboy would have died without the naked women lining its pages, it also would have died without its articles and advertisements, which gave permission to the self-defined middle-class American male to indulge in porn.

Why is it that Adult stores offer back entrances? Is it because their clientele are misunderstood revolutionaries who are plotting the demise of a sexually repressed society? Or is it much simpler than that? Is it because they know that such behavior is wrong?

When one considers the options, which activity sounds more “mature” and grown-up: Making love for a lifetime to one real flesh-and-blood woman whom you are eagerly serving and cherishing, despite all her faults and blemishes (and despite your own), or sneaking away at night to troll the Internet, flipping from woman to woman, from one 30 second teaser to another, for hours on end, pleasuring yourself as you bond to pixels on a screen?

No, indulging pornographic media and other forms of commercial sex are hardly befitting of the adjective “adult.” Actions speak louder than words—even when those words are five feet high, neon, and constitute the phrase “gentlemen's club.”

Why Sexual Narcissists Make Unfaithful Partners

New research into why some partners are prone to stray

The excessive self-focus and entitlement we associate with narcissism would seem to predispose people high on this trait to think only of meeting their own needs in a relationship. The minute they find a new and enticing partner, one might assume, they’ll be off and running to explore and perhaps exploit this target of desire.

If you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist, you’re probably already aware of the characteristic behaviors associated with this personality type: The partner hogs the mirror, constantly asks for favors, and seems to care little about what you think. When it comes to sexuality, the narcissistic individual expects you to do the satisfying, while you patiently wait to have your needs met.

It’s also possible that a narcissistic partner is more likely to stray, and as a result, you’re constantly on guard for evidence of cheating. You wonder if the partner will act on the impulse to hook up with the attractive new assistant at work, parent at day care, or new neighbor down the street. Because people high in narcissism want to look good and be the center of attention, it would make sense that they want to associate with others who enhance their social standing—highly attractive people would seem to fit the bill.

As we have recently discovered, though, even if your partner seems to meet at least some of the general criteria for narcissism, you may not have to worry.

In a newly-published study, Florida State University psychologist James McNulty and Laura Widman of Duke’s School of Medicine investigated the relationship between sexual narcissism and infidelity in the early stages of marriage.

Using a sample of 123 newlyweds, McNulty and Widman requested that participants complete a set of questionnaires to measure narcissism and its relationship to infidelity, marital satisfaction, and sexual satisfaction. One group of couples, followed over 4 years, completed measures of general narcissism only; the second group, tracked over a 1-year period, also completed a test measuring sexual narcissism.  

The strength of this study, compared to many others on similar topics, is that both partners in a couple completed the questionnaires; that the partners were actually older and in a more committed relationship than we see in typical studies of college students; and that the partners were followed up over time.

People scoring high on the sexual narcissism scale are more likely to agree with a statement such as “I really know how to please my spouse sexually.” Other facets of sexual narcissism, in addition to expressing grandiose thoughts about your sexual proficiency, include sexual entitlement (feeling that you deserve to have the kind of sex you want), lacking sexual empathy (failing to know what your partner wants), and being sexually exploitative (using people to satisfy your needs).

Over the course of the study, McNulty and Widman reported that 5% of their newlyweds engaged in infidelity; about half of those individuals were the wives. As they expected, the research team found that those high in sexual narcissism were indeed more likely to be involved in an extramarital affair. These findings held even when controlling for general narcissism, satisfaction with the marriage and with sex in the marriage, and partner’s scores on each of these measures.

Each facet of sexual narcissism seemed to play a role in relating to infidelity. However, slightly stronger relationships emerged for sexual entitlement and sexual grandiosity. There were some gender differences—husbands who lacked sexual empathy were more likely to be unfaithful, for example. It is somewhat ironic that partners who believed that they were sexually more proficient but who also expressed lack of empathy (especially husbands) were the ones who reported that they cheated.

These findings suggest that being a sexual narcissist increases the likelihood that people will cheat on their partners. There were also indications that having a sexually narcissistic partner created its own set of problems. Overall, having a narcissistic partner didn’t seem to increase the chances of your being unfaithful. However, there were predictive relationships between a partner’s sexual narcissism and infidelity among several of the narcissism facets. People with spouses who believed they were entitled to sex were more likely to cheat, as were people whose spouses had an inflated sense of their own sexual skills.

As you might expect, people who felt sexually satisfied in a relationship were less likely to cheat. However, overall marital satisfaction didn’t predict infidelity once the researchers controlled for the effects of sexual narcissism and sexual satisfaction. In other words, overall feelings toward the relationship didn’t predict the likelihood of cheating. Instead, it was high levels of sexual narcissism—not narcissism in general—that seemed to set the stage for people to seek sex outside the marriage.

This study was unique in using sexual narcissism, not narcissism in general, to predict levels of infidelity. Previous studies using overall narcissism measures hadn’t established a consistent pattern of relationships to unfaithfulness. The findings suggest that if you want to predict who will cheat in a marriage, it’s important to look at the specific domain of sexual narcissism and not general narcissistic tendencies.

From the standpoint of people’s sense of well-being, infidelity tends to have negative consequences. You may or may not believe that monogamy is essential for a relationship’s health, but for open marriages or other polyamorous relationships to work, all participants need to be on board. When a partner is unfaithful to you, it can hurt your mental health as well as the health of your relationship. Not all unfaithful partners are sexual narcissists, but for people high on the facets of this trait, the risk is greater that they, or their partners, will cheat.

To sum up: Taking account of your (and your partner’s) levels of sexual narcissism seems to be an important step toward ensuring that your relationship will stay on course. Using the facets of sexual narcissism as a guide, ask yourself honestly whether or not you tend to exploit your partner sexually; think you’re more adept sexually than you might be; lack the ability to sense what your partner wants; and feel that you’re entitled to sex with your partner. Take this one step further and ask whether you sense these tendencies in your partner. If so, this study’s findings suggest that your relationship will be more likely to endure if you are able to address, and possibly fix, problems before they begin.

Personality isn’t necessarily that amenable to change, but change is possible. Addressing the problem of sexual narcissism can help you maintain your sexual fulfillment now and into the future.

New research into why some partners are prone to stray. 

Post published by Susan Krauss Whitbourne Ph.D. on Dec 27, 2014 in

10 Reasons You Should Quit Watching Porn, GQ Magazine Reports

Below is an article from GQ Magazine about why one should quit watching porn. The original post by author Scott Christian is here.

With the ubiquity and easy access of porn these days, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that people are beginning to study the effects of it on our sex lives. According to a website called projectknow.com, 420 million web pages are dedicated to porn, meaning the non-porn Internet roughly consists of..well, Wikipedia. Scientists at Cambridge University recently studied the brain scans of porn addicts and found that they looked exactly like those of drug addicts. With such an inexhaustible supply of porn at our disposal, there is a growing concern that it is beginning to effect our brains, our relationships, and even our bodies (beyond, of course, your mother’s idle threats of blindness and hairy palms). A recent survey of a Reddit community called NoFap, which is committed to abstaining from porn and masturbation, has helped researchers open the door to a better understanding of the effects of pornography on our lives. While none of the results are conclusive, there are certainly some statistics that should give a moment’s pause. Here are some of the highlights of why it may be a good idea to stick to Netflix next time you open up your laptop:

1. For those addicted to porn, arousal actually declined with the same mate, while those who regularly found different mates were able to continual their arousal. It’s known as the Coolidge Effect, or novelty-seeking behavior. Porn, after all, trains the viewer to expect constant newness.

2. One in five people who regularly watch porn admitted to feeling controlled by their own sexual desires.

3. 12 percent of NoFappers report watching 5 or more hours of Internet porn every week. 59 percent report watching between 4 and 15(!!) hours of porn every week.

4. Almost 50 percent of those on NoFap have never had sex in their lives, meaning their only experience with intimacy is purely digital.

5. 42 percent of male college students report visiting porn sites regularly.

6. 53 percent of the NoFappers developed a regular porn habit between the ages of 12 and 14. An alarming 16 percent said they started watching before they were 12.

7. 64 percent report that their tastes in porn have become more extreme or deviant.

8. Among 27-31 year olds on NoFap: 19 percent suffer from premature ejaculation, 25 percent are disinterested in sex with their partner, 31 percent have difficulty reaching orgasm, and 34 percent experience erectile dysfunction.

9. After committing to no masturbation/porn, 60 percent of those on NoFap felt that their sexual functions had improved.

10. And 67 percent had an increase in energy levels as well as productivity.

Hot Bods, the Bible, and the Brain: Understanding Porn Addiction

“We cannot grow spiritually if we ignore our humanness, just as we cannot become fully human if we ignore our spirituality.” – Jean Vanier

Porn can bury its hooks into nearly anyone, even Christians. Nearly every day, I speak with someone whose life has been hijacked by porn, most of them churchgoers.

A lot of the world has caught on to the problem. “Porn addiction” has become a common way to describe what millions are experiencing, even though the phrase is rife with ambiguities. In fact, recent studies are now confirming what sex addiction therapists have been saying for decades: porn actually damages the brain.

Now that neuroscience is entering the discussion about porn, how should a Christian integrate this information into their understanding about God, the Bible, and humanity?

Addiction vs. Moral Responsibility

More often than not, when Christians respond negatively to recent developments in neuroscience, the fear is that by dissecting the organ of all our feelings, thoughts, and decisions, we will somehow lose our belief in moral responsibility. If I come to believe that porn has warped my brain, I can eventually say, “I’m not responsible for this problem. My brain made me do it.”

The field of neuroscience is actually bringing a much older conversation to the foreground, a conversation that has been present in addiction recovery circles for the better part of 80 years: Is addiction a disease? 

Bill Wilson, the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, was among the first who likened alcoholism to a disease. He didn’t actually believe alcoholism was a disease, but that it was like a disease. It was a pragmatic description: he felt the disease metaphor helped men and women open up about their problems. Once you were in the doors of many AA meetings, however, it was clear that while the problem could be described as a sickness, moral responsibility was never lost. The men and women at AA still felt the moral weight of their decisions.

Christian counselor Ed Welch points out that the Bible itself uses the disease metaphor when talking about sin. Citing passages like Isaiah 1:5-7 and 53:6, he states that Scripture emphasizes that sin has many things in common with a disease. Like a disease, sin affects our entire being, it is painful, it leads to death, and it is absolutely tragic (Addictions: A Banquet in the Grave, 61).

However, the Bible never loses sight of moral responsibility. Alcoholism and porn addiction are a lot like diseases—they feel as if we have been taken over by a virus, making us spiral out of control—but it is a voluntary slavery. Dr. Welch calls this the dual nature of sin:

“This enlarged perspective indicates that in sin, we are both hopelessly out of control and shrewdly calculating; victimized yet responsible. All sin is simultaneously pitiable slavery and overt rebelliousness or selfishness. This is a paradox, to be sure, but one that is the very essence of all sinful habits.” (Addictions, p.34)

Just like the Bible, as Christians we can and should speak of slavery to porn as a sickness, but a sickness we have chosen. Disease is a good metaphor for sin, but it is not the only metaphor.

Porn Reveals the Idols of Our Hearts

Sin is not merely disease, it is depravity.

The Bible reveals that sin springs not from our physical bodies but from our hearts, from the core of who we are (Mark 7:21-23). Sin is fundamentally not just a lapse in judgment or a dysfunction. Sin is a movement away from God.

Christian counselor David Powlison rightly points out that in the Bible, idolatry is the most frequently discussed problem. Idolatry not only receives the spotlight in the Bible, it forms the core of our sinful habits. The Bible does not relegate idolatry to the creation of statues; it internalizes the problem. Idols are something taken into the heart (Ezekiel 14:3). Instead of loving God with one’s whole heart, soul, and might, as sinners other things receive our trust, preoccupation, loyalty, service, fear, and delight. We choose to give these desires primacy, and then these desires end up ruling us.

Sin is, as it were, a “worship disorder.”

As sinners, it is the idols of the heart that so often drive a preoccupation with porn. In his book, Closing the Window, Tim Chester describes six core motivations that commonly fuel porn addiction:

1. Respect – When our craving for respect becomes an idol, porn offers us a fantasy world where we are worshipped and adored.

2. Relationship – When our craving for intimacy becomes an idol, porn offers the illusion of relationship without the risks of rejection or vulnerability.

3. Refuge – When life gets tough and our craving for escape becomes an idol, porn gives us a fantasy world where we are never a failure, where there are no expectations.

4. Reward – When our desire for reward becomes a sinful sense of entitlement, porn gives us a fantasy world where our underappreciated egos can “get what we deserve.”

5. Revenge – When our anger at life or God or our spouse gets out of control, porn can become our tantrum at a world that isn’t catering to our desires.

6. Redemption – When self-pity becomes a consuming desire, porn offers us a fantasy where we can feel “normal”—or even a place where we can punish ourselves.

These are core desires of the heart that must be addressed if someone desires to break free from the grip of pornography.

Brain Damage: Porn Sins Against the Body

Sin, at its root, is idolatry in the heart. But just because desires in the heart are at the root of pornography doesn’t mean there aren’t physical consequences. Disease is not just a metaphor for sin. In a very real sense, porn actually makes our brains sick.

In 1 Corinthians 6:18, Paul writes, “Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.” There is a sense in which sexual sin is unique in the damage it does to the body. Perhaps modern neuroscience is unearthing a significant way in which sexual sin hurts us.

In his book, The Porn Circuit, Sam Black explains how porn impacts the human brain. A cocktail of hormones and neurotransmitters are released while watching porn. This gives the brain an unnatural high as surge after surge of dopamine is released. Eventually the brain fatigues, leaving the viewer wanting more but unable to reach a level of satisfaction. As a result, the viewer starts to become numb to everyday pleasures. He or she begins to seek out novel, more intense porn to get the same high. Repeatedly watching porn also weakens the cingulate cortex, the region of the brain responsible for moral and ethical decision making. It weakens our ability to control sexual thoughts on a day-to-day level.

This neurologically describes what the Bible says about how sin permeates the body and mind:

• Paul writes that slavery to sin does not just stem from the heart, but it is something that finds a beachhead in the very members of our physical bodies. “So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members” (Romans 7:21-23, italics added).
• James writes, “Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members?” (James 4:1, NKJV, italics added).
• Paul says when we give ourselves up to sensuality, it results in “darkened” understanding, “ignorance,” and “hardness of heart” (Ephesians 4:18-19).

We now can see on an MRI what the Bible has led us to expect all along—that sin in our membersincludes, to an extent, our brains.

Why Talk About the Brain At All?

What advantages are there to bringing brain science into the discussion about porn addiction?

1. Confirming the Bible

God’s Spirit and revelation are completely sufficient to change someone’s life. The Bible affirms this again and again. It is the law of the Lord that revives the soul and enlightens the eyes (Psalm 19:7-8). It is the God-breathed Scriptures that train us in righteousness (2 Timothy 3:16-17). It is by believing in God’s precious promises that we become more like Him (2 Peter 1:4).

For many Christians—from veterans in the faith to lukewarm churchgoers—information about how porn impacts the brain is a wake-up call, alerting them to principles the Scriptures have always said, but now they can see those principles etched on the very fabric of their neurons.

• The Bible has always taught us to be transformed by the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:2), and now we can literally “map” how our thoughts change the way we see the world.
• The Bible has always taught that sexual sin has physiological consequences (1 Corinthians 6:18), and now we can see some of those consequences under an brain scanner.
• The Bible has always taught us to trump the desires of the flesh with the longings of the Spirit (Galatians 5:16-17), and now we can see the way new, healthy neurological pathways are the key to overcoming old habits.

Neurology is like the new archaeology of the soul. Just as a new archaeological find in the Holy Land can buttress our faith and call attention to passages long forgotten, so scientific studies of the human brain can be used by God to awaken us to believe in truths God wrote centuries ago.

2. Understanding Detox

Internet pornography is a modern phenomenon that has no parallel in history. As a result, slavery to it is not only more common, but the slavery tends to have a deeper neurological impact.

Understanding that porn is physiologically addictive can prepare those who are quitting porn to brace themselves for the pain of breaking the cycle. Christian counselor Brad Hambrick states,

“I think it is very helpful for us to understand that there are strong physiological things that go on in the arousal cycle—that when we begin to pull away from sex we should not have been apart of, that we are going to go through something that feels like withdrawal…We are going to have to physically and morally detox, and detox is a very painful, unpleasant experience.”

The experienced Christian counselor knows that when a man or woman is in drug detox, they don’t just need a Bible study. They need to take radical steps to distance themselves from the source of the addiction. They need special care from loving individuals. Quitting porn, likewise, will require a program of detox, taking radical action especially in the early stages.

Withdrawal from porn will not merely be an obedience issue. It will be a brain issue.

3. Fighting Dualism

For centuries the church has had to fight a dualistic view of the human person. What often comes with dualism is a false belief that matter (the body) is a necessary evil and that the spirit (or soul or heart) is what really matters.

In today’s psychology-conscious church, dualism shows up in how we isolate our problems as either “medical” or “spiritual.” Anything below the neck is a medical problem and requires a physician. Anything above the neck is a spiritual problem and requires you to suck it up, repent, and trust Jesus more.

Neuroscience is reminding us to see ourselves as the Bible does: a whole person. Ed Welch writes that human life cannot be imagined without both the inner and outer person, and the brain is the place where we more clearly see the interplay of mind and body.

“At the level of the brain, this unity suggests that the heart or spirit will always be represented or expressed in the brain’s chemical activity. When we choose good or evil, such decisions will be accompanied by changes in brain activity…This does not mean the brain causes these decisions. It simply means that the brain renders the desires of the heart in a physical medium. It is as if the heart always leaves footprints on the brain.” (Blame It On the Brain?, p.47-48)

None of our problems are either totally physical or totally spiritual. One nearly always spills over into the other. Fighting dualism ensures that the church will always be champions of the best that medicine has to offer while always keeping the heart central.

4. Present Your Brain to God

The principles Paul gives in Romans 6 for the transformation of our character are of vital importance to a porn addict (or any Christian for that matter):

• Principle #1: Remember and believe that, in His death and resurrection, Christ has died to sin. He is no longer lives in this sinful realm (Romans 6:10).
• Principle #2: Remember and believe that by the Spirit, we are united to the One who is dead to sin: Christ is in us. We no longer belong to this sinful age. We belong to the sinless age to come (Romans 6:8).
• Principle #3: Reckon or consider yourself dead to sin (Romans 6:11). You are not dying to sin (a process). You are not commanded to die to sin (an imperative). You are indeed dead to it. United to Christ, your whole identity has changed. So mediate on this. Chew on this. Reconsider it. Get this idea deep into your soul.
• Principle #4: “Present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness” (Romans 6:13b). Fighting from our new identity, now Paul tells us to be practical. Present the very members of your physical body to God as His instruments.

This last principle brings up highly practical applications for how we use our eyes, our ears, our mouths, our feet, and our hands. Holiness may start in the heart, but it always works itself out in the day-to-day actions of real life.

As we learn more about the three-pound organ between our ears, we can also begin to think of ways to present our brains to God as well.

For instance, neurologist Dr. William Struthers says that in a study of how porn impacts the brain, researchers paid close attention to areas of the brain that “light up” when viewing pornography. Dr. Struthers says,

“If you take a man or a woman, and you put them into a brain scanner, and you show them these [porn] clips, these areas [of the brain] will light up, and they will light up in a very robust fashion. However, if you take individuals and bring them in and tell them, ‘We are going to show you some video clips; we would like you to try to keep your sexual arousal level low,’ you will actually see decreased activity here in these regions. When you are given instruction or when there are expectations about what you should do when you view [porn], and those are exercised, you can actually dampen down this signal and make it less severe. That’s just by them being told. These are actually heterosexual men and women going into the brain scanner, and all they are told is just try to not get so horny.”

Knowing this has profound implications for a man or woman surrounded by sexual triggers and temptations. Knowing how we are wired allows us to make conscious decisions that impact our reactions to temptation. If a sexually tempting image or thought comes across our path we can “present” our brain to God in a simple prayer:

“God, I know you have wired me to enjoy sex, but I also know that to lustfully indulge in this would be sinful. You have wired my brain to be able to have control over how aroused I get by this. I am not doomed to be a victim of my sex drive. I am dead to sin. Sin no longer defines who I am, so therefore I choose to shut down my arousal response to this and turn my eyes and thoughts elsewhere.”

Fighting Porn with Pure Pleasure

Neurology paints a picture of what freedom from porn looks like. Sam Black writes,

Simply avoiding bad habits leads to failure. Spending time thinking about avoiding porn can bring up the mind’s storehouse of images, videos, and encounters, which can lead to anxiety and tension that begs for release. New and rewarding pathways are needed to avert crashes.

Neurologists agree that the old pathways that exit toward uncomfortable behaviors and acting out won’t go away, but intentionally creating new pathways allows a person to avoid swerving off the edge toward the crash. Over time and after building new and positive habits and ignoring paths to porn use, the cravings for porn and the constant cues for sexual thought will diminish and willpower will return. With practice, patience, and perseverance, freedom from porn can be the new reality. (The Porn Circuit, p.30)

(Read more about this in The Porn Circuit, available to download for free.)

Brain science confirms what the Scriptures have said all along. The only way to kill the desires of the flesh is to walk in the desires of the Spirit (Galatians 5:16-17)—following new pathways of holy pleasure to trump the old sinful ones. Merely following don’t-touch-don’t-taste rules “are of no value in stopping the indulgence of the flesh” (Colossians 2:23). Rather, change comes as we redirect our minds and passions to things above (Colossians 3:1-2).

And lest we think this means we must constantly walk around in a holy fog and avoid physical pleasures, God calls us to but to embrace whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and praiseworthy—wholesome pleasures become a means to practicing God’s presence (Philippians 4:8).

The world is full of holy pleasures for God’s people. Paul writes, “To the pure, all things are pure” (Titus 1:15). Gary Thomas explains this text:

In context, Paul is arguing against hyper-religionists trying to saddle Christians with arbitrary rules and prohibitions. These teachers wanted to enslave believers to the old belief that if a defiled person touches something (food, drink, or even another person), this something becomes defiled. Paul cleverly turns this around, saying if someone is pure, then whatever they touch becomes pure!

I’m arguing that we need to look at pleasure and the good gifts of this earth through the eyes of redemption. When our hearts are cleansed and transformed by God, the very things that used to cause us to stumble can now become friends of faith. Not all things, of course; anything specifically against the will and commands of God, regardless of what kind of pleasure is seems to offer, will always destroy our souls. But the good things of this earth, created by God to be received with thanksgiving and praise—things such as friendship, good food and fine drinks, laughter, sex, and family life—can be redeemed to season our life and faith in many positive ways. God can even give us the power to take what we formerly misused and transform it into an instrument of praise. (Pure Pleasure, p.22-23)

Neurologically speaking, this means as we replace old habits with new habits, new neural pathways are formed. Over time we no longer look to porn as our release valve to entertain our idols, but rather we use healthy pleasures as means of delighting in God as the giver of every good and perfect gift.

Giving Life to Our Mortal Neurons

Neurology is a rapidly advancing science. New discoveries are made every day, and this should excite us as Christians. Just as sure as each discovery of distant galaxies brings more color and vibrancy to the phrase “The heavens declare the glory of God” (Psalm 19:1a), so each new map of neural pathways adds depth to the to the phrase, “God created man in his own image” (Genesis 1:27a).

What makes neurology helpful to so many is that people can see that sanctification does not merely happen in the etherial place of the soul, but in the very concrete building blocks of the brain. The same Holy Spirit that raised Jesus’ body from the grave gives life to our mortal neurons (Romans 8:11).

Will knowledge about brain science make or break everyone’s escape from porn? No. Many men and women have escaped porn’s grip without a lick of neuroscience. But it does offer Christians new handles by which to grasp the solutions.

Written by Luke Gilkerson

5 Ways to Stay Sexually Sober on Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day can be one of the worst things for single people: The world seems awash in chocolate, rose petals and Hallmark moments. It seems impossible to take a trip to the grocery store, turn on the TV or browse online without being bombarded by images of love-struck couples that make you feel very much alone.

When everyone around you seems (keyword: “seems”) to be part of a blissful, sepia-toned twosome, it can be tempting to act out sexually or reignite a destructive relationship to dull the pain of disconnection. But it’s not worth losing your abstinence over the illusion that everyone in the whole wide world is romantically happy except you — a perception largely propagated by advertisers hoping to turn a profit.

Here are five ways to keep Valentine’s Day from sabotaging your recovery from love or sex addiction:

1. Take a break from social media. Looking at photos of other people’s Valentine’s dinners, surprise marriage proposals and romantic getaways is like rubbing salt and lemon in a wound. And stalking your ex and your ex’s new partner on Facebook is a recipe for self-destruction. Do your recovery a favor and take a break from all social media. If you succumb to masochism and find yourself trolling Facebook or Instagram, remember that much of what you see is a lie. Social media platforms are the ultimate stomping grounds for narcissists and their carefully constructed facades of perfection. Don’t make yourself miserable comparing your life to one that isn’t even real.

2. Practice self-care. Wallowing in self-pity is easy, but cultivating self-respect requires discipline. You don’t need a sex or romantic partner to feel worthy — you can do that by practicing self-care. Instead of acting out or sitting at home marinating in loneliness, try nurturing your mind and body. Take a yoga class, go for a hike, practice mindful meditation or get a massage. The better you treat yourself, the less you’ll rely on all the wrong people for your self-worth. 

3. Be of service to others. One of the best ways to lift your mood is to be of service to those less fortunate. Spend Valentine’s Day volunteering at a soup kitchen, caring for kittens at an animal rescue or visiting elderly people at a nursing home. Service puts things in perspective: Many people are far more alone than you are and have much bigger problems. Getting out of your own head and giving to others is a healthy way to spread the love on Valentine’s Day.

4. Get creative. Instead of obsessing over what you don’t have or hooking up with people who aren’t good for you, harness your energy in productive ways by getting creative. Spend Valentine’s Day cooking, writing, painting, finally assembling that scrapbook or working on a home improvement project. Being creative is an incredibly empowering enterprise: It can stop you from ruminating and leave you with something tangible that you can feel proud of because you produced it on your own. 

5. Work on your recovery program. If you feel like acting out, take opposite action. Call your sponsor, talk to a newcomer, go to a support-group meeting or work on that recovery step you’ve been avoiding. Use your loneliness as motivation to deepen your commitment to your recovery and your support community.

On Valentine’s Day or any other day, being single isn’t a tragedy — and it’s certainly better than feeling alone in a bad relationship or during a fleeting sexual encounter. Finding healthy ways to work through this sensitive holiday will help you develop coping skills and strengthen your relationship with yourself so you can live consciously and meaningfully — with or without someone else.if 

Dad Get Your Act Together!

The Father Affect - a must watch!

Seeking Sobriety in the New Year: The Real Dope on the Imperfect Process of Recovery

Slips vs. Relapse

Getting sober from alcoholism, drug addiction or a behavioral addiction (gambling, spending, sex, video gaming, etc.) is among the most common New Year's resolutions. Unfortunately, most addicts have little to no idea what that entails or how hard it's really going to be. Yes, some addicts do walk into a treatment center or a 12-step support group and find that they are suddenly "struck sober," with the desire to drink/use/whatever swiftly and permanently removed. However, that is not the usual pathway to healing and a better life. More often the road is winding, rocky and littered with pitfalls, and the majority of addicts are likely to slip and/or relapse at least once or twice before long-term sobriety takes root.

It is important for recovering addicts to understand that temporarily backsliding into the powerful pull of addiction is not the end of the world, and it doesn't mean they've failed. Instead, it is a learning opportunity and a chance to reaffirm and hopefully strengthen their commitment to living differently in the future. Addicts should also understand the difference between a slip and a relapse. 

• A slip is a brief, mostly unintended return to addiction. Sometimes an unexpected stressor or a poorly constructed plan for maintaining sobriety will lead to a slip. A slip can be managed and contained by immediate and honest disclosure. Recovering addicts must tell others -- family, supportive friends, therapists, 12-step sponsors -- about a slip if they hope to get back on track. 

• Relapse occurs when an addict keeps a slip secret, choosing to hide and justify his or her behavior, thereby setting the stage for slips of increasing frequency and intensity. Before long, the addict is back where he or she started -- struggling with a full-blown, out-of-control addiction.

Warning Signs for Slips and Relapse

• Overconfidence: This is going really well. Maybe I have the problem licked and I can let my guard down.

• Denial: See, I can stop drinking/using/whatever without any trouble. Now that I've proved this, I can drink/use/whatever like a normal person.

• Isolation: I can handle this on my own. I don't need to go to therapy or 12-step meetings, and I don't need to be in constant contact with other recovering addicts.

• Blaming: If my spouse hadn't gotten that new job that takes up so much of his/her time and energy, I wouldn't feel like I need to go to the bar to socialize.

• Making Excuses: I know that being alone with my computer is a danger zone for relapsing with my porn addiction, but I need to stay late at the office to finish this important project.

• Setting Up Slippery Situations: I know that I have a gambling problem, but the buffet at the casino is really good so I'm going to schedule the next family get together there.

• Minimizing: I'm only drinking and smoking a little pot. It's not like I've gone back to cocaine.

• Ignoring or Devaluing Feedback From Supportive Others: The people in my therapy group and my 12-step group just want to control me. The stuff they want me to do might work for them, but they really don't understand my situation.

• Feeling Victimized: I don't understand why I have to deprive myself when everybody else can drink without fear or problems.

• Rationalizing: It's OK for me to party a little bit when I'm traveling for work or on vacation. My "rules for sobriety" don't count when I'm in a different state.

• Ignoring Previously Agreed-Upon Guidelines: I know that I promised my wife I wouldn't look at porn or flirt with other women on hookup apps, but what she doesn't know can't hurt her.

• Feeling Entitled: I've worked really hard in my recovery for six months, and I've been pulling double-duty at work, and nobody seems to appreciate the effort I'm putting in. I deserve a little something just for me.

Dealing With Slips and Relapse

Slips and relapse are not the end of the world. Rather than looking at these events as disasters with no solution, recovering addicts (and their families, therapists, 12-step support networks, etc.) should view them as learning opportunities. In other words, setbacks should be treated as problems to be explored and solved rather than personal failures. As such, after a slip or relapse, addicts, working with knowledgeable others, can explore the "stinking thinking" that led to their backslide, identify the trigger or triggers that pushed them over the edge, and devise ways in which they can handle themselves differently in the future if the same or a similar situation arises. They should also explore other situations in which they might relapse, planning for ways to cope there as well.

No matter what, any recovering addict who finds himself or herself in the midst of a slip or relapse should immediately get honest about what's going on, confessing to his or her therapist, 12-step sponsor and support group, and family. Addicts have established these important connections for a reason; now is a great time to utilize the support of these loving and empathetic others. If addicts in the midst of a slip or relapse are unable or unwilling to ask for help, their downward slide will continue. If, however, they reach out and ask for assistance, they can save their sobriety and ultimately their lives.

Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S