Building Trust Despite His Relapses: Hope for Wives of Porn Addicts

Written by; Kay Bruner

This is a story I hear a lot from women: “My husband just can’t seem to kick the habit. We’ve been in this fight for years now. Whenever he gets caught, he seems to feel really badly about it. He’ll do all the right things. He seems really open about it. He’ll confess to me and others, he’ll block all the sites he’s used, he’ll go to counseling. But a few weeks or months later, he’s back in it again. I just don’t know what to do any more.”

And then they’ll say to me, “You guys got better. How did that happen?”

We did all the stuff that everybody does:

• Filter the Internet appropriately
• Find accountability partners
• Go to groups or individual therapy

Why did it work for us, when other people are doing the same things, and it’s not working for them?

It’s always just seemed like pure dumb luck to me, until I happened across a YouTube video by renowned marriage expert, Dr. John Gottman.

In his research, Gottman has found that couples who have a high level of trust within the relationship have a corresponding set of behaviors.

He identifies these trust-building behaviors as “sliding door moments”: small, seemingly insignificant moments when there is a choice to be made, for or against the relationship.

Gottman says, “In these moments, there is the possibility of connection with the partner, or turning away from the partner.”

Gottman tells a story about how, late at night, he wanted to finish reading a book, but saw from his wife’s face that she needed to talk. For him, that was a “sliding door moment” when he could either be self-centered, or relationship-centered.

When I watched this video, I thought, “Wow, that’s exactly it. That’s what Andy did. That’s how I knew he was serious about me, about our marriage, and about his recovery.”

It wasn’t just that he did the right behavioral things perfectly, because he didn’t. Anybody who’s been in the game a while knows this phrase: “Relapse is part of recovery.” He’s relapsed, and he does relapse, on the road to recovery.

But there is now something different about him, and it’s this: he turns toward me. He turns toward our relationship.

When he was in the addiction, he was all about himself. Recovery started when he was willing to sit with me and listen to all the hurt, all the fear, all the anger, and stay with me emotionally in that horrible, horrible sea of broken glass that was our life at the time. Recovery continues because he keeps turning toward our relationship, every day, in a million different little ways. He cares about me, and I know it. I trust him, that when he falls, he’s going to get back up and turn toward me again.

The other part of that picture is that I’ve had to work on my own emotional self, and be willing to turn toward him, too. If I withhold and punish him emotionally, that is not healthy. That’s me being all about myself, in revenge for him being all about himself. We’ve both got to turn toward.

So, how does an addict get past pure behavior change and into relationship building? And how does a spouse know when it’s not just an act, but that it’s real and true?

I think it’s this: when the addict has the capacity to turn toward the relationship, to look outside of himself, to care deeply how the spouse feels, you’ll know good things are happening.

Put together a pattern of those trustworthy behaviors over time, along with a spouse who is able to receive those things, and you’ve got a relationship that can be healthy again.

Emotionally and spiritually, it’s clear that the person is choosing connection rather than isolation. Chemically, and less obviously, the person is also in a significant healing process. He is sitting with emotion and learning to ride the wave of sadness or anger or fear, without self-medicating. Over time, that heals the body and the brain from addiction.

Andy puts it this way: “It’s just different now. Before, I couldn’t stop thinking about it, couldn’t stop looking at it. Now, even if I see porn for a few minutes, I can say, ‘This is not what I want,’ and stop.”

So that’s the happy story, about when things are successful.

The sad truth is, though, sometimes we get into relationships with people who are not able to care about much outside of themselves, and a pornography addiction is just a symptom of that bigger problem.

Some of you are in relationships with people who say, “This is what I want, and this is what I’m going to do, no matter what you say.”

Others of you have seen a strange pattern of great emotional display with upset and turmoil and attention to the problem with groups and therapy and accountability and all kinds of openness. It seems like repentance, but it just doesn’t stick. The third or fifth or tenth time, you wonder what in the world is going on.

I think what happens is this. The addict is getting decreased satisfaction from their sexual behavior, and in the “recovery” phase, they get a chemical kick as everybody attends to them in the crisis. Once they get into the “normal” phase of managing their addiction, though, and the attention lessens, they need the sexual behavior again. And, since they’ve been away from it for a while, it’s more exciting and efficacious again.

That to me is a deep, addictive pattern, and a case for serious treatment and serious boundaries. We offer a free download called Hope After Porn that’s intended to help spouses who have those kinds of difficult choices to make.

Additionally, I recommend the American Association of Christian Counselors as a place to look for a therapist.

Dealing with “Demons”: Healing from a Shame-Based Identity

Do you ever feel like there is a horrific “beast” inside of you?

Have you thought that something is deeply wrong inside, experiencing disconnection from those around you?

Do you maintain a beautiful exterior life while “demons” of  shame haunt you internally?

If so, you likely resonate with these lyrics of the above video:

Shame keeps us disconnected

This video by Imagine Dragons vividly portrays an experience that is all too common for those battling addiction. On the surface, addicts act out behaviors that are self-destructive and confusing. We can be quick to judge them yet slow to understand. Many addicts are driven by deep shame, which can be the result of serious trauma, abuse, and/or self-injurious choices.

Shame is much different than guilt. Shame researcher Brene Brown explains that guilt says “I did something bad” whereas shame says “I am bad”. Those who live with this shame-based mentality tend to view their addictive choices as proof that they’re terrible people rather than seeing mistakes as opportunities to learn and grow.

Carl Jung says that “Shame is a soul eating emotion.” When it feels like “hell” inside, it’s no wonder addicts want to escape to something comforting and familiar. Despite its destructive nature, addiction feels safe, especially when early traumatic events teach addicts that people are unsafe. For sex addicts, this belief plays a key role in their “intimacy disorder“.

Feeling broken and unlovable, addicts may assume others will reject them. Patrick Carnesdescribes this dynamic writing that “Fear of abandonment and shame are at the core of addiction. The alienation becomes a quagmire within which addicts struggle, only to become more isolated”. So, they shelter themselves and others, keeping relationships at an arms distance, as if to say “don’t get too close, it’s dark inside”.

Brene Brown describes shame’s power in this way:

“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. It’s the fear that something we’ve done or failed to do, an ideal that we’ve not lived up to, or a goal that we’ve not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection. “I’m not worthy or good enough for love, belonging, or connection. I’m unlovable. I don’t belong.”

Maintaining this mindset that they are uniquely flawed, isolation and withdrawal become a way of life for addicts. Addiction is often rooted in this shame-based identity. The shame remains, like a low-grade fever, and it doesn’t dissipate on its own. That is one reason why long-term recovery means more than just sobriety. Healing the roots of addiction requires the harder work of healing from a shame-based identity.

The Way of Escape

Despite feelings to the contrary, there is a route of escape for those battling internal “demons” of shame. There  are a few key steps for those wanting to heal from the shame that binds them. The most powerful antidote for shame I’ve discovered is authentic CONNECTION. This comes in the forms of self-connection through self-compassion and connection to others through vulnerability, honesty, and experiencing empathy.

Brene Brown-"Shame needs three things to grow exponentially in our lives: secrecy, silence and judgement"

Inward Connection

Self-compassion is foreign to those suffering from a shame-based identity. But, when practiced over time, it can become an avenue of deep healing. It has been shown that “compassionate mind states may be learned, and may alleviate shame, as well as other distressing outcomes, such as depression, anxiety, self-attacks, feelings of inferiority, and submissive behavior” (Vettese, 2011).

Beverly Engel describes how this occurs with these words: “Shame gets stuck in our neural circuitry” and “we can proactively repair (and re-pair) the old shame memory with new experiences of self-empathy and self-compassion”.  To learn more about implementing self-compassion practices, check out the many articles on our blog about this topic (start here).

Outward Connection

Letting safe people see into the “dark” places within can be an incredibly frightening yet healing experience. Brene Brown shares that “Shame derives its power from being unspeakable…If we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak to it, we’ve basically cut it off at the knees.  Shame hates having words wrapped around it.  If we speak shame, it begins to whither.” Learning to be vulnerable, to trust others, to reach out in times of distress and pain, and to share experiences that are related to past and present shame, prove to play life-giving roles in recovering from a shame-based identity. Groups (both 12-Step and treatment groups) are a great place to begin this process of healing. Individual therapy can provide necessary connection and healing as well, especially for those experiencing the effects of trauma and abuse. When “we share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.” We find true connection.

Thus, surrendering to healthy connection – to self, to others, and to a Higher Power – plays a life-giving role in healing from the shame-based identity. As the lyrics in the above video conclude:

“Your eyes, they shine so bright.

I want to save that light.

I can’t escape this now.

Unless you show me how.”

May those who battle destructive demons find light in the eyes of those who have been there yet live unbound by the shackles by shame. May this road of authentic connection lead to a life of motivating hope, joyous freedom, and heart-felt healing.

An Open Letter to Pornography

Reposted From Covenant Eyes Blog

Dear Pornography,

I met you at a young age. As memory serves, I was around the age of seven the first time I was shown a pornographic magazine. Little did I know that it would be the beginnings of the longest relationship I have ever known, outside of that with my mom and my brother. From the moment I met you, I was hooked. You had me.

In elementary school, I dabbled in you; steeling glances of my step-father’s magazine when no one was around. In Junior High we began a torrid affair. I began sneaking those magazines back to my bedroom where I got to know you intimately. It was from you I learned what sex was like. Even then, there were consequences that came from my relationship with you—like the time my step-father found one of his magazines under my mattress and grounded me from a party (which cost my girlfriend at the time). I paid dearly, but it wasn’t enough to keep me from coming back to you.

High school, it seems, you left me alone. I had girlfriends that occupied my time, and I was busy devoting myself to school and to church. I am sure we had encounters, but for what ever reason, that time isn’t as prevalent to me as others. But you were there waiting for me.

College came, and we didn’t spend much time together, probably because there was always a roommate there to dissuade me from doing anything that would put me in a compromising situation. We dabbled a bit—you, me and my fiancé at the time—but I didn’t need you. You were always there though, waiting for the day I would come back to you.

After college, we renewed our relationship. I discovered the Internet, and countless sources of pornography to entertain me and keep me company.

When I met my wife, you were there. I knew she didn’t approve, but I tried to keep our relationship secret.

When I got married, I hoped you would go away, but you didn’t. You were always there. Calling to me, enticing me. I gave in often. I swore it would never happen again. It did. Over and over again. I caused my wife so much pain, so much heartache. My wife begged me to stop, prayed for me, supported me while I went to counseling, but ultimately it became too much. Knowing what the consequences would be, I chose you. I always chose you.

You promised so much. Excitement, Concealment. No guilt. Companionship. Community (after all, there are only two types of guys in the world: those who look at porn and those who say they don’t). You promised to love me unconditionally. You promised to make me feel like a man. You promised to make me feel proud.

What you delivered was just the opposite. Guilt. Isolation. Shame. Regret. Remorse. A life alone. You lied to me.

Because I chose you, my life and the lives of those around me look very different.

Because I chose you, I am now separated from the four people I only now realize I love the most: my wife of 18 years and my three children.

Because I chose you, my daughters have come to the realization that I was never there for them, partially because I was always consumed by you and consumed by the guilt that came from you.

Because I chose you, I have missed prom, dance recitals, baseball games, softball games, National Honor Society inductions, campus tours, holidays, family vacation, bonfires, and dinners.

Because I chose you, I have spent most of my life feeling incapable and ill equipped to lead my family spiritually as I have been called to do.

Because I chose you, I have lost track of the number of lies I have told to family and friends to hide my guilt.

Because I chose you, my wife spent our 18 year anniversary with our children instead of me.

Because I chose you, my children spent Father’s Day with their mother instead of me.

Because I chose you, my wife wants to end our marriage so she can be free of me. She never wants to go back into a relationship of lies, deceit, and isolation. I don’t blame her.

Because I chose you, my daughters have asked me to divorce their mother so they can all start over again. I don’t blame them either.

Because I chose you my friends have deserted me, tired of being deceived yet again when they find out I have run back to you despite telling them I left you for good.

Because I chose you, sleep doesn’t come until very late most nights, as I lay in bed, pondering my actions, and the hurt they have caused those I love most.

Because I chose you, my wife has spent the majority of our 18 years in marriage on her knees before God, asking Him to help her fall in love with me because she couldn’t do it on her own.

Because I chose you, I have spent my adult life mired in guilt and shame, feeling defective and unlovable by God or anyone else. My relationships have been distant and fragmented so no one would have to get to know the real me.

Because I chose you, my beloved wife, who you gave to me to look after and take care of, has been cheated out of years of intimate bedtime conversations where we shared our hopes, our dreams, our fears, all out of my selfish fear that I would have to open up and share true feelings and struggles.

Because I chose you, I have had to surrender leadership positions in my church, doing what I love to do most, which is singing and leading people in worship.

Because I chose you, I attend church on Sundays alone, trying to ignore the glances from the people that know us, and trying not to wonder what they are thinking about me right now.

Because I chose you, my wife forbids my son to come to the place I am staying right now because she doesn’t trust that I can provide an environment free from pornography from my son. She’s right: I haven’t earned back that kind of trust yet.

Because I chose you, my daughters don’t want a relationship with me, fearing the pain of being betrayed yet again. I don’t blame them.

Because I chose you, I have spent thousands of dollars of our hard earned money on counseling sessions that never worked.

Because I chose you, I have made poor financial decision, hoping that I could buy my guilt away.

Because I chose you I am unwelcome and unwanted in my own house. I have to leave my house every night after spending time with my son; a reminder daily of the consequence of my actions.

Because I chose you, I wear the title or badge of “Hello my name is Sex Addict who destroyed his family, and is reaping what he sowed for 18 years.”

Because I chose you, I have had to seriously ponder my salvation, and wonder if am truly saved by God.

But because I chose you, I have been forced to ponder my salvation and wonder if I am saved. I have been forced to learn what a person broken and surrendered to God looks like. I have been forced to take a good hard look at my relationships with my children, the friends I have left, and with God. And I have been forced to confront my “dependence” on you.

Because of you I identify with Matthew, the tax collector and one of Jesus’ chosen 12. Matthew was originally named Levi, so he was quite possible part of the tribe that was supposed to lead the Jews spiritually. Instead, he became a tax collector, one of the most reviled occupations of the time. No doubt, Matthew disappointed his family greatly, who probably had much higher hopes for him than to be a tax collector. Like Matthew, I had never stepped into the role God had laid out for me. I was to be a father, a spiritual leader for my wife and my children. Because I didn’t, someone else had to. In addition to being mom and wife, my wife had to become spiritual leader, disciplinarian, and so many other roles she was never called to be. Jesus called Matthew despite his sins. He chose him to make a difference. Like Matthew, he wants to use me to make a difference.

I want to make it clear to you, pornography. I choose you no longer. Just like my family doesn’t believe my promises because I have shattered their trust, I refuse to believe your promises because you have shattered mine. Contrary to what you promise, You only offer a life of regret, remorse, emptiness, shame, isolation, hurt, financial ruin, spiritual bankruptcy. I choose light. I choose life. I choose relationship with God and with my family. I choose to make sure that my family knows every day that they are loved and treasured. I choose every day to choose God and life over pornography and death.

You may think you have won for now, but this battle is not over. I will never come back to you. You have caused too much pain, too much destruction. I will never stop trying to reconcile with my wife and children, and I will not stop bringing your lies to light. There are thousands, probably millions of women and children experiencing what my family has experienced for the last 4+ months because men all over the world are choosing you. I will make sure they know my story. I will make sure they know that you are nothing but a liar who promises so much, and gives so little. I will help them win.

You will not win. As a matter of fact, you have already been defeated. You see, I have a God who loves me, and not only loved me so much to send his Son for me, but he left me something as well. He left me his Holy Spirit that lives in me. If this Holy Spirit had enough power to raise Jesus from the dead, this same Holy Spirit will surely give me the strength to resist you. He gives me a way out every time you try to entice me. I will choose this way out. Even if I never get my wife back, even if my children never want to have the kind of relationship we should have had from the beginning, I will not come back to you. We are through.

God wins. Every time he wins. He is undefeated. Mark my words. You are finished. We are finished. Perfect love wins. There is hope in the name of Jesus. There is power in the name of Jesus. He wants me more than you do, and I know you want me dearly. It must anger you to know I am leaving you, and I expect you to come at me harder than you have ever come. Bring it on. My family means too much to me. I just wish I had realized it a long time ago.

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Ken Ailes is married with three kids and has struggled with pornography addiction for 30+ years. By God’s grace, Ken is putting his life back together.j