Understanding the Five Love Languages

He thinks he’s showing you love by buying you flowers. You think flowers are better left in the garden and just want him to help you fix the kitchen sink. In love language terms, he may as well be speaking Swahili to you. While his efforts at romance are admirable, he’s wasting his money on Gifts while he really should be engaging in Acts of Service.

One of the most useful wedding presents I received is the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. While the book’s Christian overtones may not be everyone’s cup of tea, the book is filled with real examples of couples with problems and practical advice on how to make sure you and your partner are communicating effectively.

The five languages of love are:

1. Quality Time – giving your undivided attention, and spending some “real” quality time together.
2. Words of Affirmation – using words and compliments to express love.
3. Gifts – receiving visual symbols of affection with thoughtful and meaningful messages (not to be confused with the gold-digger).
4. Acts of Service – expressing love by doing things for your spouse such as household chores.
5. Physical Touch – hugs, kisses, holding hands, and of course sex.

The book examines how two people who genuinely love one another can have a rocky relationship if they are not speaking their spouse’s primary love language. Our upbringings play a huge role in shaping our main love language. Couples often have different love languages, or ways of feeling loved, and may need to learn a love language that is foreign to them in order to connect with their partner.

Determining Your Spouse’s Love Language

For some, your partner’s primary love language may be glaringly obvious, and for others you may need to dig a bit deeper. If you are unsure of your spouse’s primary love language, try paying attention to the things he/she asks of you and make a list—you might uncover some interesting patterns. Or better yet, just ask your partner what makes him/her feel most loved.
Check out Gary Chapman’s website The 5 Love Languages for more helpful resources such as quizzes on how to determine your own love language and that of your partner.

Speaking Your Spouse’s Love Language

If your partner’s primary love language is:
Quality Time – set aside time each day (even 20 minutes) where you can be alone without distractions.
Words of Affirmation – try to give your spouse one compliment a day, and write a nice letter.
Gifts – try making a gift; nothing says “I love you” more than something handmade (no matter how crappy it turns out).
Acts of Service – make a list of the things your spouse has asked of you and do them without being told.
Physical Touch – try holding hands and giving massages.

Theresa Fung

Three Ways to Help Your Teenager Avoid Facebook Addiction

About a year ago Internet safety expert Parry Aftab was interviewed on ABC Newsabout “Facebook addiction.” Aftab says it is easy for kids and teens to be overwhelmed by new technology and they can develop strong addictions to social network outlets, like Facebook.

Aftab cites a Seventeen Magazine poll from October 2009 where 38% of respondents said they wish online social networks didn’t even exist—that’s surprising considering the number of online teens who use Facebook approaches nearly 100%. 

Like It vs. Addicted to It

Aftab rightly points out: Facebook rises to the level of “addiction” when other things are out of balance: grades suffer, no offline friendships, little to no activity away from the computer. When someone is consumed with the world of Facebook, other relationships can suffer greatly.

That being said, parents should understand merely liking Facebook is not a sign of addiction. “Kids don’t see it as a site,” Aftab notes, “they see it as life.” It is the preferred mode of communication today.

3 Ways to Strike a Balance

1. Mark boundaries. This is the place to start. State your expectations about when and how much the Internet should be used. Some parents fear marking boundaries because kids like to test and push them. But this is the point of boundaries in the first place: if our kids intuitively and habitually found a perfect balance to all the activities of life, boundaries would be unnecessary. All kids push the limits, but consistency shows them you truly care about how they spend their time.

2. Make limits. Use technology to your advantage. Even the best parents aren’t looking over their kids’ shoulders all the time. Purchase good filtering software that doesn’t just block objectionable content but allows you to control how long the Internet is used. Covenant Eyes software is perfect for busy parents.

3. Monitor progress. Parry Aftab says monitoring software can be used if things get really bad, but instead of waiting until things get bad, establish an environment of accountability in the home from a young age. This is the difference between monitoringand accountability. Monitoring says, “You’ve screwed up, so I’m watching you.” Accountability says, “I want the best for you, so I’m watching you.” The difference is one of motive. If kids notice parents closely watching them only when they’ve done something wrong, this gives the perception that closer scrutiny is a punishment. But if kids grow up in an environment where parents are highly observant of all behavior, good or bad, accountability to parents is just a part of the culture at home.

Use a good accountability software to monitor where your kids are going online and how much they’re using sites like Facebook. This helps to start good discussions between parents and kids about all aspects of Internet use, not just the stuff we’re most concerned about.

Luke Gilkerson is the general editor and primary author of the Covenant Eyes blog.

POPULAR APP SNAPCHAT IS ESSENTIALLY INTENDED FOR SEXTING. DO YOUR KIDS HAVE THIS ON THEIR PHONES?

You would not believe the apps that are available to your children and family on their smartphones. The latest craze among young kids and teenagers is an app called “Snapchat”. Snapchat is described as, “…a new way to share moments with friends.” In other words, you can use it to take a picture or video to send to your friends through the app; however, the catch is that the image does not get saved on your phone or theirs and it can only be viewed for a few seconds.

Snapchat is an outlet for people, your children and grandchildren, to send pictures and videos of themselves with no risk of unintended consequences, such as having the photo or video widely distributed.It is abundantly clear that this app is intended for “sexting, ” and that is how it is widely used.

Sexting has become more and more common in today’s culture. It is an indication that pornography is accepted and expected among America’s youth. With the increase in technology use and the advancement of Internet pornography, kids are seeing porn at much younger ages. The average age that a child sees pornography is 11, and four out of five 16-year-olds regularly access pornography on the Internet. Snapchat, and similar smartphone apps, are preying on vulnerable children. In fact, the app is marketed to children. The company advertisements make that clear.

The ads feature photos of young people making silly faces. Snapchat says, “The allure of fleeting messages reminds us about the beauty of friendship – we don’t need a reason to stay in touch.” If beauty and friendship are really important to the company, there is no need for a message to be fleeting.

Recently, I was with a 13-year-old girl and she was innocently “Snapchatting” with her friends. Concerned, I asked why she was using this particular app. “Because, everyone uses it,” was her response. Although she was not using the app to “sext”, I explained to her that it is dangerous and unnecessary. If you want to send a photo to your friend, there is no need for it to vanish seconds after receipt. News articles about Snapchat indicate that young girls feel pressure to send salacious messages because “everyone is doing it” and “no one will see it.”

The popularity of Snapchat makes it abundantly clear that parents still don’t know how to protect their children in our electronic world. Pornography seems wedded to smart phones for many in this world. This app is unsafe and should not be available to children. Parents, if your children must have a phone, make sure it isn’t a porn store, or worse, a means of distributing or receiving child pornography. Because you cannot monitor your children at all times, please make sure you are knowledgeable about all apps available to your children on their phones.

Have a conversation with your family about the harms of pornography and the consequences associated with activities like sexting. You’d be surprised how much children know – many times it is more than you think, so make sure they know the right things!